Remember when I said that you can get super-cheap wine at Trader Joe's? Well, you knew that. And while Mr. Charles Shaw's private reserve might not be the most impressive of table wines, add a little sugar and spice, and it magically transforms into the most delicious of boozy treats with a gross-sounding name!
So, it's actually MULLED wine, but it's pronounced like Mold. Mulled just means spiced, so all you have to do is dump a bottle of cheap wine in a big pot, put it on medium or med-low (not too hot - you just want to simmer, NO bubbling at all) put in a few teaspoons of brown sugar (I like 3, you might like more or less) and a few pinches of mulling spices.* I recommend red wine, obvs. Then just simmer on the stove for about twenty minutes, and serve warm in mugs! Delightful!
*I awesomely found tinned Mulling Spices at the freakin' drugsto for only 99 cents on sale! Deals! But if you don't have tinned spices, just assemble some cinnamon sticks (2ish), some cardamom seeds, maybe some dried or fresh orange peel (make sure you wash it if it's fresh!!!), some cloves, and perhaps a vanilla bean even. Hell yeah!
28 December 2009
I Love Grocery Shopping!
...I really do. I could just browse the aisles for hours finding all the delicious, weird things I might have otherwise overlooked! I could also easily spend over $200 in one go, which is far more than I'd spend on clothes during a single-shop stop. It's difficult to budget oneself and limit whimsical purchases when you are really stoned at the Gro. I mean, it's a challenge, but it's still the best way to go about it. Jeebus, but I love food.
So I live really close to QFC, we're talking four blocks west and one block south...of my apartment. The convenience is not overlooked, mind you - I even found a totally sweet bag-lady cart there! (You know, those square ones with the four wheels that you can fill with stuff...like bag ladies and people in New York use? Yeah, awesome.) But, despite their abundant deli cheese aisle and totally-sweet drug-store and bed/bath/beyond type annexes, they are motherfuckin' EXPENSIVE! Like, damn! I mean, sometimes you'll get a great sale deal, but overall...not so much.
This is why I must talk to you about Trader Joe's! Dudes! It's so fucking cheap! Seriously! I don't know why, but it is. Sadly, it's quite a few more blocks up the road, but I have Melissa's car this week, so I'm a mobile machine! Yeah!! Plus, Trader Joe's has bottles of wine for $3!!! (In WA, at least...thanks, WSLCB! You suck!) But I digress. They also have lots of great cartons of soup bases that are suuuper great and easy for making a soup out of anything. Last night, I cooked a cup of lentils, and added a carton of the TJ's Butternut Squash soup, plus some thawed frozen corn, and viola! It was a delicious, hearty vegan soup! And it was so cheap! Unfortunately, it looked kinda like barf. I added some cumin and curry powder to enhance the squash, and a little salt and pepper and onion powder. (Remember, salt is added last! Or you'll ruin your lentils!!)
You could really add any number of combos to a soup base, even meat if you like it. I think these are tastier and probably better for you than some shitty campbell's canned broth...blech.
Anyway, I am sharing this with you because I totally spent ONLY $100 at TJ's, and I bought a full cart-load of crap!!
I even got some newfangled hippy shitty-litter for Nigel, which I think will help with that whole crumb-bum problem we seem to be having...
So I live really close to QFC, we're talking four blocks west and one block south...of my apartment. The convenience is not overlooked, mind you - I even found a totally sweet bag-lady cart there! (You know, those square ones with the four wheels that you can fill with stuff...like bag ladies and people in New York use? Yeah, awesome.) But, despite their abundant deli cheese aisle and totally-sweet drug-store and bed/bath/beyond type annexes, they are motherfuckin' EXPENSIVE! Like, damn! I mean, sometimes you'll get a great sale deal, but overall...not so much.
This is why I must talk to you about Trader Joe's! Dudes! It's so fucking cheap! Seriously! I don't know why, but it is. Sadly, it's quite a few more blocks up the road, but I have Melissa's car this week, so I'm a mobile machine! Yeah!! Plus, Trader Joe's has bottles of wine for $3!!! (In WA, at least...thanks, WSLCB! You suck!) But I digress. They also have lots of great cartons of soup bases that are suuuper great and easy for making a soup out of anything. Last night, I cooked a cup of lentils, and added a carton of the TJ's Butternut Squash soup, plus some thawed frozen corn, and viola! It was a delicious, hearty vegan soup! And it was so cheap! Unfortunately, it looked kinda like barf. I added some cumin and curry powder to enhance the squash, and a little salt and pepper and onion powder. (Remember, salt is added last! Or you'll ruin your lentils!!)
You could really add any number of combos to a soup base, even meat if you like it. I think these are tastier and probably better for you than some shitty campbell's canned broth...blech.
Anyway, I am sharing this with you because I totally spent ONLY $100 at TJ's, and I bought a full cart-load of crap!!
I even got some newfangled hippy shitty-litter for Nigel, which I think will help with that whole crumb-bum problem we seem to be having...
16 December 2009
Quick and Dirty Eggy "Salad"
Ughh, I haven't been cooking much this week, because I've got the creepin' crud and I feel far too nasty to be cooking anything. And I just feel too dirty to feed my creations to others in good confidence and with a clear conscience.
So, we'll do one of the easy ones...this is a crowd pleaser, ladies and gentleman...at least, it's a man pleaser. Um, well, it's a my-man pleaser. Yeah, my boyfriend, JP, really gets excited about egg salad, and I hope you will too!
Sorry Vegans, there's no egg salad for you.
From the Coop:
-->8 to 10 eggs - more or less depending on how much you want. I find 7 or 8 eggs is enough for at least three sandwiches. (Did I tell you? We're gonna put the egg salad on two slices of toast and call it a sandwich. Optional: add a slice of cheese. This is JP's preferred way.)
-->Mustard! (Just a squirt, any kind will do. Dijon, Grey Poupon, Even Old Skool French's)
-->MAYO! (I know it's horrible, but it's true. You need Mayonnaise. at least 2 tablespoons)
-->Spices, yo! (I'd recommend Paprika, Dill, and a little salt and pepper. You might add a pinch of chili powder for some hotness, too)
-->Don't forget the PICKLES!!! (Ok, you don't have to do this if it's too fancy or you don't like sweet pickles, but I really do so what I like to do is dice up a couple of sweet mini-pickles*, and a couple of sour, too. You want at least 1/4 cup of diced pickles...the smaller the pieces, the better!!) ...Green olives or other pickled veg would also be appropriate, and I know bland people who prefer chopped celery, which is kinda gross.
*I buy mini-pickles, I like them better. I don't know why.
In the Kitchen:
-->Hard-Boil your eggs! This isn't as easy as it sounds, dudes, so just follow these easy instructions. First, fill your pot with cool water and a healthy dose of SALT. Gently set the eggs into the pot, and put it on HIGH. Once the water comes to a rolling boil, set a timer for TWELVE MINUTES and allow eggs to boil. Remove from heat and replace water with cold water, allowing the eggs to cool for about ten minutes, which will make them MUCH easier to peel.
--> Next, is the fun part: Drop your eggs, mustard, mayo, pickles and spices all into a big bowl. I like to just mix mine in a big tupperware, so it's all ready to go into the fridge if we don't eat it all tonight. Then, taking a big spoon or potato masher, SMASH everything up until the eggs are broken into dice-sized chunks and the mayo and mustard and everything else is well-mixed into a nice yellow.
--> Viola. Now go make some toast to put it on.
So, we'll do one of the easy ones...this is a crowd pleaser, ladies and gentleman...at least, it's a man pleaser. Um, well, it's a my-man pleaser. Yeah, my boyfriend, JP, really gets excited about egg salad, and I hope you will too!
Sorry Vegans, there's no egg salad for you.
From the Coop:
-->8 to 10 eggs - more or less depending on how much you want. I find 7 or 8 eggs is enough for at least three sandwiches. (Did I tell you? We're gonna put the egg salad on two slices of toast and call it a sandwich. Optional: add a slice of cheese. This is JP's preferred way.)
-->Mustard! (Just a squirt, any kind will do. Dijon, Grey Poupon, Even Old Skool French's)
-->MAYO! (I know it's horrible, but it's true. You need Mayonnaise. at least 2 tablespoons)
-->Spices, yo! (I'd recommend Paprika, Dill, and a little salt and pepper. You might add a pinch of chili powder for some hotness, too)
-->Don't forget the PICKLES!!! (Ok, you don't have to do this if it's too fancy or you don't like sweet pickles, but I really do so what I like to do is dice up a couple of sweet mini-pickles*, and a couple of sour, too. You want at least 1/4 cup of diced pickles...the smaller the pieces, the better!!) ...Green olives or other pickled veg would also be appropriate, and I know bland people who prefer chopped celery, which is kinda gross.
*I buy mini-pickles, I like them better. I don't know why.
In the Kitchen:
-->Hard-Boil your eggs! This isn't as easy as it sounds, dudes, so just follow these easy instructions. First, fill your pot with cool water and a healthy dose of SALT. Gently set the eggs into the pot, and put it on HIGH. Once the water comes to a rolling boil, set a timer for TWELVE MINUTES and allow eggs to boil. Remove from heat and replace water with cold water, allowing the eggs to cool for about ten minutes, which will make them MUCH easier to peel.
--> Next, is the fun part: Drop your eggs, mustard, mayo, pickles and spices all into a big bowl. I like to just mix mine in a big tupperware, so it's all ready to go into the fridge if we don't eat it all tonight. Then, taking a big spoon or potato masher, SMASH everything up until the eggs are broken into dice-sized chunks and the mayo and mustard and everything else is well-mixed into a nice yellow.
--> Viola. Now go make some toast to put it on.
04 December 2009
I Can't Believe it's POT Butter!
...And you won't believe how easy it is to make! Yes, now you too can be an expert at creating tasty treats that will get you high. It is totally awesome, and no smoke is involved, so no one has to know....
So basically, the active molecule of weed, THC, is lipophilic, which means it bonds to fat molecules (lipo = fat, phil = love, so THC loves fat.) For us, this means that in order to infuse our dish with THC WITHOUT having to chew down a bunch of nasty plant bits, we must first create an infusion of butter/futter/oil and weed.
What we do is, we call our guy, and ask him if he has some shake. Shake works nicely because you don't have to grind it, and it is about 1/2 the price of bud. Anyway, you can scale the amount of shake you use to how potent you want your butter to be - I'd say about 3-4 grams of bud OR 6-7 grams of shake per stick (1/2 cup - did you know that a stick of butter equals 1/2 a cup? Now you do) of butter/oil.
So first, we melt our futter. I strongly suggest using margarine instead of actual butter, because margarine won't burn, and it can get complicated to make it using real butter if you want to prevent burnage...I won't get into it today.
Anyway, so oil or futter. I find most brownie boxes (a classic) call for oil, so that is why I am mentioning it here.
So, put the fat in a nice pot and put it on medium-low heat. Once it's melty if it's margarine, dump in the green stuff. Stir occasionally over a period of about 2 hours. If you're in a hurry, you CAN turn the heat up high and super-cook it for a shorter time period (15-20 minutes) but you will end up with a much more weedy-tasting finished product. I highly reccomend the slow-heat.
Once it's done cooking, go ahead and remove from heat and let it sit while you set up the next step. This is where it gets a little hot and dangerous, so kids, don't do this without your mom or dad's help. What your next task is, is to strain from the futter/oil ALL the little green particulate matter that is floating around. Now that it's been cooked, it's useless and should be thrown out - do not smoke it for the love of god. All the good stuff is now in the futter.
So, what we do is, we acquire a good material for straining the butter, and secure it snugly to the opening of whatever receptacle you want to pour the stuff into. Good materials to use to strain the butter include CHEESECLOTH (if you are fancy - but you can get it cheap at the gro,) COFFEE FILTER (if you drink coffee, I guess,) or a CLEAN piece of NYLON PANTYHOSE (Emphasis on the clean). All of these are good because they won't let nary a FIBER of the used-up plant into the receptacle. I use a pyrex measuring cup, and a rubber-band to secure the cheesecloth around the opening. I also suggest pushing a small "dip" into the straining material, so you have a space to pour the liquid into.
Make sure you pour VERY SLOWLY, as it will take time for the oils to drip through the material. It is also very fucking hot at this point, so please be careful.
Once you have strained your oil or butter, it is ready for use! Use just as you would regular butter or oil as is called for in your recipe. Of course, you can always cut with "plain" butter to dilute the potency. Now you can experiment with all kinds of funny foods! Baked Potatos! Stoney Soup! Magic Muffins!
Godspeed, and enjoy.
So basically, the active molecule of weed, THC, is lipophilic, which means it bonds to fat molecules (lipo = fat, phil = love, so THC loves fat.) For us, this means that in order to infuse our dish with THC WITHOUT having to chew down a bunch of nasty plant bits, we must first create an infusion of butter/futter/oil and weed.
What we do is, we call our guy, and ask him if he has some shake. Shake works nicely because you don't have to grind it, and it is about 1/2 the price of bud. Anyway, you can scale the amount of shake you use to how potent you want your butter to be - I'd say about 3-4 grams of bud OR 6-7 grams of shake per stick (1/2 cup - did you know that a stick of butter equals 1/2 a cup? Now you do) of butter/oil.
So first, we melt our futter. I strongly suggest using margarine instead of actual butter, because margarine won't burn, and it can get complicated to make it using real butter if you want to prevent burnage...I won't get into it today.
Anyway, so oil or futter. I find most brownie boxes (a classic) call for oil, so that is why I am mentioning it here.
So, put the fat in a nice pot and put it on medium-low heat. Once it's melty if it's margarine, dump in the green stuff. Stir occasionally over a period of about 2 hours. If you're in a hurry, you CAN turn the heat up high and super-cook it for a shorter time period (15-20 minutes) but you will end up with a much more weedy-tasting finished product. I highly reccomend the slow-heat.
Once it's done cooking, go ahead and remove from heat and let it sit while you set up the next step. This is where it gets a little hot and dangerous, so kids, don't do this without your mom or dad's help. What your next task is, is to strain from the futter/oil ALL the little green particulate matter that is floating around. Now that it's been cooked, it's useless and should be thrown out - do not smoke it for the love of god. All the good stuff is now in the futter.
So, what we do is, we acquire a good material for straining the butter, and secure it snugly to the opening of whatever receptacle you want to pour the stuff into. Good materials to use to strain the butter include CHEESECLOTH (if you are fancy - but you can get it cheap at the gro,) COFFEE FILTER (if you drink coffee, I guess,) or a CLEAN piece of NYLON PANTYHOSE (Emphasis on the clean). All of these are good because they won't let nary a FIBER of the used-up plant into the receptacle. I use a pyrex measuring cup, and a rubber-band to secure the cheesecloth around the opening. I also suggest pushing a small "dip" into the straining material, so you have a space to pour the liquid into.
Make sure you pour VERY SLOWLY, as it will take time for the oils to drip through the material. It is also very fucking hot at this point, so please be careful.
Once you have strained your oil or butter, it is ready for use! Use just as you would regular butter or oil as is called for in your recipe. Of course, you can always cut with "plain" butter to dilute the potency. Now you can experiment with all kinds of funny foods! Baked Potatos! Stoney Soup! Magic Muffins!
Godspeed, and enjoy.
30 November 2009
Fakesgiving
Oooye, it's been a busy week, what with that freakin' holiday and all. I have been so busy buying fucking x-mess gifts, that I haven't had time at all to get experimental in my kitchen.
The good news is, I learned that the easy fruit cobbler (apple, in my case) is SO easy, you can whip that bitch up with a ragin' hangover and have it's hot ass out o' the ov' and into the car in less than an hour! And also that I really needn't have bothered, as everyone else's desserts were store-bought.
Oh, here's a little something to keep you entertained: how about if you made rice crispy treats with...fruity pebbles?! Yeah, you bet your ass it's as exciting as it sounds. If you don't know, all you need for krispy treats is marshmallows, futter, and cereal. Like, a slice or two of butter, a few handfuls of mallow (however much mallow you require, I guess) and melt that shit on medium until it's goo, and then dump in the cereal and use your stronger hand to stir that shit. Then dump it in a pan and press it and let it cool (press it in using well-buttered fingers, this will help a lot and it is also fun to butter your fingers) BUT YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY.
The only thing that changes is the cereal. I also only did about 50-50 krispies and fruities, so it wouldn't be TOO fruity (that shit is HELLA fruity!)
BUT BUT BUUUUUT here comes the best part: I like to add a little special green butter* with these - it only takes about 1 tablespoon - and the fruity pebbles COMPLETELY cover the taste of that funky, funky butter.
*by "special green butter" i am of course referring to a homemade herbal infusion of butter and marijuana....recipe to follow?
The good news is, I learned that the easy fruit cobbler (apple, in my case) is SO easy, you can whip that bitch up with a ragin' hangover and have it's hot ass out o' the ov' and into the car in less than an hour! And also that I really needn't have bothered, as everyone else's desserts were store-bought.
Oh, here's a little something to keep you entertained: how about if you made rice crispy treats with...fruity pebbles?! Yeah, you bet your ass it's as exciting as it sounds. If you don't know, all you need for krispy treats is marshmallows, futter, and cereal. Like, a slice or two of butter, a few handfuls of mallow (however much mallow you require, I guess) and melt that shit on medium until it's goo, and then dump in the cereal and use your stronger hand to stir that shit. Then dump it in a pan and press it and let it cool (press it in using well-buttered fingers, this will help a lot and it is also fun to butter your fingers) BUT YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY.
The only thing that changes is the cereal. I also only did about 50-50 krispies and fruities, so it wouldn't be TOO fruity (that shit is HELLA fruity!)
BUT BUT BUUUUUT here comes the best part: I like to add a little special green butter* with these - it only takes about 1 tablespoon - and the fruity pebbles COMPLETELY cover the taste of that funky, funky butter.
*by "special green butter" i am of course referring to a homemade herbal infusion of butter and marijuana....recipe to follow?
18 November 2009
OMG guys!! MINI PIZZAS are AWESOME!!!
Dudes! So I was smoking a bowl with my roommate last night, when I got the uncontrollable urge to eat something (very strange and unusual). So I walked into the kitch, went to the cupboard, and suddenly! A bolt of lightening struck just outside the window, followed by the clap of thunder, and it was then that I invented...MINI PIZZAS.
Equip:
~Baking sheet
~Mixing bowl
~Measurin' cups
~cheese grater (don't tell me you don't have one. I got mine at Value Village, and so can you)
Vittles:
~Easy Biscuits (See "Hobo Hot Pockets" - flour, salt, baking soda, futter, milk - I use soy)
~Pizza sauce
~Cheese, please
~Pizza toppins!
~Oregano
OK, So I didn't invent them at all, I just devised a new cheap/easy way to make em!
Anyway, remember the cheesy biscuits? You might remember them better as "Hobo Hot Pockets," but anyway, remember when we made those? This is another delicious variant on those, so to make mini pizzas, just whip up a batch of those biscuits.
NOW, with a lot of flour on your hands, separate small golf-ball sized blobs of dough and knead them a bit, then flatten them out on a baking sheet so they are nice and round and about 1/4 inch thick. You know, like how a disc of uncooked pizza dough looks, only smaller. For that oh-so-authentic taste/texture, you could also sprinkle a little corn meal on your baking sheet so it coats the bottom of the crust. Awwe, yeah!
THEN, you pour some pizza sauce on there. You can really use whatever - the ghetto-est among us might use that leftover can of pasta sauce sitting in the back of the fridge. Others among us (myself) might be a bit more of a sauce-snob, and so would use one of the many cheap, pre-packaged options your grocery has to offer you - they are all pretty good but I like the Boboli brand - I've never been to a store that didn't have it.
OK, then I like to shake on a lil' oregano if you got it, because then it has that nice pizza-herby smell, and the little green flakes make it look fancier.
Then, sprinkle on some shredded cheese of whatever variety you have/like. I used cheddar, because that's all I had, but I suppose ideally you'd want Mozzarella...
However, if you wanna make these babies vegan (the biscuits are vegan if you use margarine and soy milk), just cook them with the sauce and other toppings, and about 2 minutes before you take em out of the oven, sprinkle some nutritional yeast** on top!
Anyway, also this would be the time to put on any other toppings you might have lying around, maybe a tin of sliced black olives, some frozen sliced mushrooms, or a package of pepperoni even!
Once it's all topped, pop those suckers in the oven at 400 degrees, and bake for 12ish minutes (more or less depending on the hotness of your oven...some ovens are shittier than others).
Let them cool before you eat them, they are motherfawkin' HOT!!!
*a word about nutritional yeast: I know you're thinkin it sounds gross, but it's really not. You can get it in the bulk aisle for retardedly cheap! It's a yellow flaky substance that is rich in B-Vitamins and has a cheesy flavour. It is actually pretty good. Don't be afraid.
Equip:
~Baking sheet
~Mixing bowl
~Measurin' cups
~cheese grater (don't tell me you don't have one. I got mine at Value Village, and so can you)
Vittles:
~Easy Biscuits (See "Hobo Hot Pockets" - flour, salt, baking soda, futter, milk - I use soy)
~Pizza sauce
~Cheese, please
~Pizza toppins!
~Oregano
OK, So I didn't invent them at all, I just devised a new cheap/easy way to make em!
Anyway, remember the cheesy biscuits? You might remember them better as "Hobo Hot Pockets," but anyway, remember when we made those? This is another delicious variant on those, so to make mini pizzas, just whip up a batch of those biscuits.
NOW, with a lot of flour on your hands, separate small golf-ball sized blobs of dough and knead them a bit, then flatten them out on a baking sheet so they are nice and round and about 1/4 inch thick. You know, like how a disc of uncooked pizza dough looks, only smaller. For that oh-so-authentic taste/texture, you could also sprinkle a little corn meal on your baking sheet so it coats the bottom of the crust. Awwe, yeah!
THEN, you pour some pizza sauce on there. You can really use whatever - the ghetto-est among us might use that leftover can of pasta sauce sitting in the back of the fridge. Others among us (myself) might be a bit more of a sauce-snob, and so would use one of the many cheap, pre-packaged options your grocery has to offer you - they are all pretty good but I like the Boboli brand - I've never been to a store that didn't have it.
OK, then I like to shake on a lil' oregano if you got it, because then it has that nice pizza-herby smell, and the little green flakes make it look fancier.
Then, sprinkle on some shredded cheese of whatever variety you have/like. I used cheddar, because that's all I had, but I suppose ideally you'd want Mozzarella...
However, if you wanna make these babies vegan (the biscuits are vegan if you use margarine and soy milk), just cook them with the sauce and other toppings, and about 2 minutes before you take em out of the oven, sprinkle some nutritional yeast** on top!
Anyway, also this would be the time to put on any other toppings you might have lying around, maybe a tin of sliced black olives, some frozen sliced mushrooms, or a package of pepperoni even!
Once it's all topped, pop those suckers in the oven at 400 degrees, and bake for 12ish minutes (more or less depending on the hotness of your oven...some ovens are shittier than others).
Let them cool before you eat them, they are motherfawkin' HOT!!!
*a word about nutritional yeast: I know you're thinkin it sounds gross, but it's really not. You can get it in the bulk aisle for retardedly cheap! It's a yellow flaky substance that is rich in B-Vitamins and has a cheesy flavour. It is actually pretty good. Don't be afraid.
12 November 2009
Quick Curry
Oh my god you guys, are you ready to get ethnically delicious? Because we are about to make Indian food. Well, we are going to make a really easy pseudo-Indian curry, which can easily be made vegan/vegetarian!
Don't be scared, curry is basically just stew, but it uses coconut milk instead of horrible beef stock. Hurray! Okay, let's go.
Hardware:
~ A large, somewhat deep skillet. I use a wok, because mine is huge and awesome. I also totally bought this beauty at Ross for only...twenty bucks, I think? Deals, girl. Deals.
~ Something to stir with!
Software:
~1 can of coconut milk - or two if you want to make a lot. Probably one of the more expensive ingreeds in this recipe, as it is a whopping $1.70 for a can. Hustle on down to Uwajimaya for a way better deal.
~ A potato. Any kind will do. Obvs I love the sweets, but you know, any old baker or spud lying around. Chop into bite-sized chunks.
~ Veggies! Canned or Frozen are fine, though I recommend FROZEN if you want carrots/peas/brocs/cauli and the like, cuz you can get a bag that has all that shit already in there. Tinned shrooms would be fine, and I like to use tinned bamboo shoots because they are kind of fancy to me.
~Curry powder! Again, not that cheap - we're talking about ten bucks for a small bottle of the spice, but the possibilities are endless - just stay tuned! Also, you can get it in bulk or at an actual Indian mart for probs way cheaper. I like the Spice Islands brand. But whatever.
~Futter (oh how I love it)
~Onion (fresh is the only way in this situation, however either yellow or white onion would be perfectly acceptable.)
~TOFU! (if you have it, it goes nicely with curry - i recommend the Chinese Firm variety for any skillet-cooking)
~ Toppings!! (Anything your taste-buds prefer, but I suggest: Peanuts, raisins, shredded sweetened coconut - stuff you already have in the pantry in case you want to make cookies, right? - sliced scallions (those green onion things) or sliced banana (sounds weird, but it is delightful))
Installing it Onto Your Stomach-Drive:
1. First, chop up some onion. Probably you only need perhaps a quarter of a chopped onion per can of cocomilk. Again, you can increase all these recipes, just stay in proportion.
2. Saute the onion in a big skillet (fry it in a freakin' frying pan) with a hearty pat of futter. Also shake in the curry powder, and do it quite liberally. You can throw in a good few tablespoons and be golden. So, do that up for about ten minutes on medium heat, until the onion JUUUUST begins to carmelize, but it will be soft and should really pick up the smell of the curry powder.
3. Pour (gently) the can of coconut milk into the skillet with the spices and onions. I would suggest vigorously shaking the can before opening it to ensure that all the creamy deliciousness is well mixed, and not stuck to the lid.
4. Throw in the potatoes, and turn the heat up to med-high, until it starts bubbling.
5. Once bubbles form, turn it to medium-low heat and put the lid on. We'll just leave it for about 20 minutes to cook those potatoes, stirring occasionally. (I like to do it this way, because it really infuses the potatoes with the curry deliciousness. If you are in a hurry, you can always precook your potatoes by boiling or nuking them...)
6. After the potatoes have begun to get soft, you can open the lid and throw in the rest of your veggie bounty. All at once. Throw in the tofu too if you got it. It's even ok if it's frozen. Turn up the heat a little bit and allow it to cook until yr veggies are hot.
7. Now it's done! You should have a nice, creamy bright yellow sauce around your freshly cooked veggies and tender potatos. Serve it on rice* and top with your goodies! Everyone's mind is going to be totally blown! It's like you just made a feast!
*If you don't know, and you don't have a rice cooker, you can cook rice by steaming it. It's really easy, just do a ratio of 1 cup rice to 1 1/2 cups water, allow it to come to a boil, and then reduce heat to LOW and cover with a lid. It is important to NOT open the lid to peek during cooking time. If you let out all the steam, you'll never recover. ALSO don't put salt in the water. ALSO, for the love of god people if it say to rinse the rice, do it! If you don't it will be super gluteny and gluey. Ugh. Let it sit for 20 mins on low, steaming, and it should be delightful and fluffy when it's done.
If you put it on the stove when you put the potatoes in the curry, the rice will be ready right on time! Also, it keeps it's heat so it's okay if the rice is done 20 minutes too early, just sayin'....
Don't be scared, curry is basically just stew, but it uses coconut milk instead of horrible beef stock. Hurray! Okay, let's go.
Hardware:
~ A large, somewhat deep skillet. I use a wok, because mine is huge and awesome. I also totally bought this beauty at Ross for only...twenty bucks, I think? Deals, girl. Deals.
~ Something to stir with!
Software:
~1 can of coconut milk - or two if you want to make a lot. Probably one of the more expensive ingreeds in this recipe, as it is a whopping $1.70 for a can. Hustle on down to Uwajimaya for a way better deal.
~ A potato. Any kind will do. Obvs I love the sweets, but you know, any old baker or spud lying around. Chop into bite-sized chunks.
~ Veggies! Canned or Frozen are fine, though I recommend FROZEN if you want carrots/peas/brocs/cauli and the like, cuz you can get a bag that has all that shit already in there. Tinned shrooms would be fine, and I like to use tinned bamboo shoots because they are kind of fancy to me.
~Curry powder! Again, not that cheap - we're talking about ten bucks for a small bottle of the spice, but the possibilities are endless - just stay tuned! Also, you can get it in bulk or at an actual Indian mart for probs way cheaper. I like the Spice Islands brand. But whatever.
~Futter (oh how I love it)
~Onion (fresh is the only way in this situation, however either yellow or white onion would be perfectly acceptable.)
~TOFU! (if you have it, it goes nicely with curry - i recommend the Chinese Firm variety for any skillet-cooking)
~ Toppings!! (Anything your taste-buds prefer, but I suggest: Peanuts, raisins, shredded sweetened coconut - stuff you already have in the pantry in case you want to make cookies, right? - sliced scallions (those green onion things) or sliced banana (sounds weird, but it is delightful))
Installing it Onto Your Stomach-Drive:
1. First, chop up some onion. Probably you only need perhaps a quarter of a chopped onion per can of cocomilk. Again, you can increase all these recipes, just stay in proportion.
2. Saute the onion in a big skillet (fry it in a freakin' frying pan) with a hearty pat of futter. Also shake in the curry powder, and do it quite liberally. You can throw in a good few tablespoons and be golden. So, do that up for about ten minutes on medium heat, until the onion JUUUUST begins to carmelize, but it will be soft and should really pick up the smell of the curry powder.
3. Pour (gently) the can of coconut milk into the skillet with the spices and onions. I would suggest vigorously shaking the can before opening it to ensure that all the creamy deliciousness is well mixed, and not stuck to the lid.
4. Throw in the potatoes, and turn the heat up to med-high, until it starts bubbling.
5. Once bubbles form, turn it to medium-low heat and put the lid on. We'll just leave it for about 20 minutes to cook those potatoes, stirring occasionally. (I like to do it this way, because it really infuses the potatoes with the curry deliciousness. If you are in a hurry, you can always precook your potatoes by boiling or nuking them...)
6. After the potatoes have begun to get soft, you can open the lid and throw in the rest of your veggie bounty. All at once. Throw in the tofu too if you got it. It's even ok if it's frozen. Turn up the heat a little bit and allow it to cook until yr veggies are hot.
7. Now it's done! You should have a nice, creamy bright yellow sauce around your freshly cooked veggies and tender potatos. Serve it on rice* and top with your goodies! Everyone's mind is going to be totally blown! It's like you just made a feast!
*If you don't know, and you don't have a rice cooker, you can cook rice by steaming it. It's really easy, just do a ratio of 1 cup rice to 1 1/2 cups water, allow it to come to a boil, and then reduce heat to LOW and cover with a lid. It is important to NOT open the lid to peek during cooking time. If you let out all the steam, you'll never recover. ALSO don't put salt in the water. ALSO, for the love of god people if it say to rinse the rice, do it! If you don't it will be super gluteny and gluey. Ugh. Let it sit for 20 mins on low, steaming, and it should be delightful and fluffy when it's done.
If you put it on the stove when you put the potatoes in the curry, the rice will be ready right on time! Also, it keeps it's heat so it's okay if the rice is done 20 minutes too early, just sayin'....
09 November 2009
The Best Cookies Ever
Get ready for the best, most deliciously easy cookie recipe this side of your mother.
If you are fancy and have a food processor, you are golden. If you are like the rest of us and never thought you needed a food processor until now, it's okay...the machine isn't actually necessary to cookie success. It is also made almost entirely out of cheap crap, though I am kinda fancy, and I have a few fancy ingredients that I like in my cookies....if you have the opportunity to splurge a bit, I would definitely encourage it.
Gear: Standard big mixing bowl and baking sheet. Food processor if you have one, and a measuring cup or two would be really handy at this point.
Ingreeds:
~1.5 c flour
~1/2 c white sugar
~1/2 c well-packed brown sugar (just smash it down until you can't fit any more in the cup measure)
~1 egg
~vanilla/almond extract.
~salt (approx 1/4 tsp)
~baking SODA (orange box this time - approx 1/2 tsp) ***It is utterly essential that you don't forget this step, as the soda is what causes the chemical reaction that makes the cookies rise and expand as they cook. If you miss this step, you will end up with little hard crunchy balls of crap-cookie. Don't do it!***
~1/2 cup (1 whole stick) of futter. (*if using a food processor: cut chilled butter into approx 8 pieces. Otherwise, soften the butter to a partial-melty state)
~chocolate chips, coconut, nuts, or whatever you like in your cookies!!!
Directs:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. In big bowl (or in food processor) Combine sugars, egg, butter, vanilla, salt and baking soda. Blend thoroughly until it is lovely and creamy in texture. ** I usually use almond extract for these cookies, because i just LOVE the taste of almond. It is almost twice as expensive as vanilla extract, so it's kind of a luxury, but imitation vanillas and almonds are available in your supermarket, too. Whatever you want, really, but I say almond extract is the secret ingredient that no one will realize is making their cookies so delicious!**
3. Add flour to creamy mixture, and blend again until it is a homogeneous mixture that is smooth, yet thick and doughy. It will become difficult to stir with a spoon, but I believe in you. Persevere!
4. Add your goodies. My other secret ingredient at this point is sweetened, shredded coconut. Now, you might be thinking, "eeew, no! Coconut? You must be coco-NUTS!" but hear me out: you can hardly taste the coconuttiness, but what it DOES do is impart a long-lasting chewy moistness to your cookies, that will make them delectable for weeks to come. I'd say about 1/2 cup of coconut, and probably another 1/3 or so chips of whatever flavor....you can estimate though, go ahead and add more if you want them.
To BAAAAKE:
~arrange dough in balls approx 1" thick (I use a reg'ler old spoon to measure even blobs. They don't really have to be "balls" either - just roundish blobs. Make sure they have at least 1.5 inches between balls, so they have space to flatten out.
~put them in the oven for 12 minutes.
~Done. delicious. your whole house smells good and you are a hero to all your friends. Congratulations.
**Tip: for soft cookies, allow them to cool on a hard surface, like your (clean) kitchen counter, or on some papertowels or newsprint to soak up the grease. If you want them crunchy, put them on a drying rack.
Go forth, be fruitful and cookie-fy!
If you are fancy and have a food processor, you are golden. If you are like the rest of us and never thought you needed a food processor until now, it's okay...the machine isn't actually necessary to cookie success. It is also made almost entirely out of cheap crap, though I am kinda fancy, and I have a few fancy ingredients that I like in my cookies....if you have the opportunity to splurge a bit, I would definitely encourage it.
Gear: Standard big mixing bowl and baking sheet. Food processor if you have one, and a measuring cup or two would be really handy at this point.
Ingreeds:
~1.5 c flour
~1/2 c white sugar
~1/2 c well-packed brown sugar (just smash it down until you can't fit any more in the cup measure)
~1 egg
~vanilla/almond extract.
~salt (approx 1/4 tsp)
~baking SODA (orange box this time - approx 1/2 tsp) ***It is utterly essential that you don't forget this step, as the soda is what causes the chemical reaction that makes the cookies rise and expand as they cook. If you miss this step, you will end up with little hard crunchy balls of crap-cookie. Don't do it!***
~1/2 cup (1 whole stick) of futter. (*if using a food processor: cut chilled butter into approx 8 pieces. Otherwise, soften the butter to a partial-melty state)
~chocolate chips, coconut, nuts, or whatever you like in your cookies!!!
Directs:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. In big bowl (or in food processor) Combine sugars, egg, butter, vanilla, salt and baking soda. Blend thoroughly until it is lovely and creamy in texture. ** I usually use almond extract for these cookies, because i just LOVE the taste of almond. It is almost twice as expensive as vanilla extract, so it's kind of a luxury, but imitation vanillas and almonds are available in your supermarket, too. Whatever you want, really, but I say almond extract is the secret ingredient that no one will realize is making their cookies so delicious!**
3. Add flour to creamy mixture, and blend again until it is a homogeneous mixture that is smooth, yet thick and doughy. It will become difficult to stir with a spoon, but I believe in you. Persevere!
4. Add your goodies. My other secret ingredient at this point is sweetened, shredded coconut. Now, you might be thinking, "eeew, no! Coconut? You must be coco-NUTS!" but hear me out: you can hardly taste the coconuttiness, but what it DOES do is impart a long-lasting chewy moistness to your cookies, that will make them delectable for weeks to come. I'd say about 1/2 cup of coconut, and probably another 1/3 or so chips of whatever flavor....you can estimate though, go ahead and add more if you want them.
To BAAAAKE:
~arrange dough in balls approx 1" thick (I use a reg'ler old spoon to measure even blobs. They don't really have to be "balls" either - just roundish blobs. Make sure they have at least 1.5 inches between balls, so they have space to flatten out.
~put them in the oven for 12 minutes.
~Done. delicious. your whole house smells good and you are a hero to all your friends. Congratulations.
**Tip: for soft cookies, allow them to cool on a hard surface, like your (clean) kitchen counter, or on some papertowels or newsprint to soak up the grease. If you want them crunchy, put them on a drying rack.
Go forth, be fruitful and cookie-fy!
06 November 2009
Experimental Lentils!
Okay, on today's episode of GhettoLicious, we have my new favourite bulk food, LENTILS!!! Lentils are actually legumes, which means they are kinda like a bean, but also kinda like a pea...and they are cousins with peanuts! Delightful!
Anyway, the other really neat thing about lentils is that they are super leotardedly cheap and they are so easy to cook, you can take a shower while you're doing it. (Or, whatever you need to do...) Also! They are rich in PROTEIN! I know you aren't getting enough protein!
So, buy some lentils. Cheapest and most common are green, so get some of those. If you can, just get them from the bulk aisle of your gro, because they're much cheaper that way and you don't need box directions because you have MY directions.
Shit List:
*(green) Lentils
*spices (try curry, cumin, tumeric, chili powder/flake, black pepper, garlic...)
*water
*a big pot
*a potato or a sweet potato if you like that kind of thing.
All you need to do to cook lentils is put them in a big pot with a lid, and some water.
WAIT, first, put the water in the pot, at about a 1:2 ration of lentils to water. So, let the water heat up, but DO NOT ADD SALT (This is very important, because your lentils will be hella fucked up and hard and shriveled if you add salt, because it interferes with the osmosis process...but this is not a science blog. It is a stoner cooking blog. Onward!)
So, throw in those lentils now, and boil for 2 or 3 minutes. Also toss in some spices if you want, and if you have a potato (i really recommend sweet potato or yam, but you don't need anything, really) chop it up into bite-sized pieces and throw that in after the boiling period.
Then, turn the heat all the way down to low-low-low, and put the lid on.
Abandon them for forty minutes.
Don't peek! The lentils need steam to cook and if you open the pot all the steam will come out and they won't cook right. You don't even need to stir them. Just let them sit there. **
FORTY MINUTES LATER...
Viola! You have a hearty, delicious entree that makes a perfect meal when served with rice or pitas (or tortillas if you wish)
They keep nicely and will make a good lunch for the next week!
**If you want to be even fancier and add some veggies or meat to this, you can pre-cook it or just toss in canned/frozen veggies at about 5-8 minutes until done, which will give them just enough time to heat up.
Anyway, the other really neat thing about lentils is that they are super leotardedly cheap and they are so easy to cook, you can take a shower while you're doing it. (Or, whatever you need to do...) Also! They are rich in PROTEIN! I know you aren't getting enough protein!
So, buy some lentils. Cheapest and most common are green, so get some of those. If you can, just get them from the bulk aisle of your gro, because they're much cheaper that way and you don't need box directions because you have MY directions.
Shit List:
*(green) Lentils
*spices (try curry, cumin, tumeric, chili powder/flake, black pepper, garlic...)
*water
*a big pot
*a potato or a sweet potato if you like that kind of thing.
All you need to do to cook lentils is put them in a big pot with a lid, and some water.
WAIT, first, put the water in the pot, at about a 1:2 ration of lentils to water. So, let the water heat up, but DO NOT ADD SALT (This is very important, because your lentils will be hella fucked up and hard and shriveled if you add salt, because it interferes with the osmosis process...but this is not a science blog. It is a stoner cooking blog. Onward!)
So, throw in those lentils now, and boil for 2 or 3 minutes. Also toss in some spices if you want, and if you have a potato (i really recommend sweet potato or yam, but you don't need anything, really) chop it up into bite-sized pieces and throw that in after the boiling period.
Then, turn the heat all the way down to low-low-low, and put the lid on.
Abandon them for forty minutes.
Don't peek! The lentils need steam to cook and if you open the pot all the steam will come out and they won't cook right. You don't even need to stir them. Just let them sit there. **
FORTY MINUTES LATER...
Viola! You have a hearty, delicious entree that makes a perfect meal when served with rice or pitas (or tortillas if you wish)
They keep nicely and will make a good lunch for the next week!
**If you want to be even fancier and add some veggies or meat to this, you can pre-cook it or just toss in canned/frozen veggies at about 5-8 minutes until done, which will give them just enough time to heat up.
05 November 2009
Better and way easier than pie.
So, you're sifting through the cupboards looking for something decent to eat, and you notice those three apples, the last of the bag, that have been sitting, shriveling on your counter for a couple of weeks now. They are ugly, maybe a bit soft, but by no means rotting. Instead of feeling guilty about all the produce you're wasting (think of the children in Ethiopia! What is wrong with you!!??!?) you can make a glorious treat that is good for dessert or brekky! (I love it when something can either be dessert or brekky. I think this is what they mean by "breakfast of champions." YESSSS.)
This is a really easy recipe that requires no actual measuring, and can be easily adapted depending on how much fruit you have. Oh yeah, and you don't have to use apples, either...
Okaayy sooo....
Stuff you will need:
~A baking dish. Something in the vicinity of an 8x8 or 9x9, and bigger if you have more fruit, of course. Or like a glass or ceramic pyrex would work, anything that is kinda big-ish and also not too deep - only a couple of inches really.
~ FRUIT! Any kind will do, but stuff that works best is: Peaches, Apples, Blackberries, Blueberries, Nectarines, Strawberries, even rhubarb if you are feeling adventurous - basically you can make this with any berries or butt-shaped fruits, fresh or frozen.
~ Sugar!!! You need the white kind AND the brown kind for this. But brown sugar is delicious, so you should already have some in your cupboard in case you need to make fake maple syrup for your pancakes or something (we'll get to that another time.)
~ Flour - you don't need too much of this
~ OATS! I know you have some of these that have been lying around on the top shelf forever because one roommate bought some thinking she'd be healthy and then wound up only cooking the oatmeal once because oatmeal is actually pretty gross. SO, oats. But if you don't have them, you should just get some from the bulk foods aisle - they're really cheap, and after you make this once, you will want to make it again and again.
~ FAT: Margarine or butter**, at room temp. If you've just grabbed it out of the fridge, you can nuke it for a few seconds, but not to melt - just to soften
~ A little bit of oil or some more futter.
The Alchemy:
1. Turn the oven on to 400 degrees.
2. Grease that pan with a little oil or futter! A light layer will do.
3. Get fruity. Apples you will want to peel, and large fruits need to be cut into dainty bite-sized chunks. Frozen berries ought to be run under the hot faucet in the collander at this point, to thaw them. For the purposes of this recipe, I'm going to assume you have about three to four large handfuls of fruit (using both hands - like, four cups-ish). You can also mix whatever you want - blackberries and blueberries are a nice combo, strawberries probably need to be mixed with something else for proper texture, and dark berries mixed with peach looks hideous, but is delicious.
4. Okay, now, in a large bowl, toss your fruit with about a 1/4 cup of flour (a few shakes from the bag or small handfuls (one handed), and about 1/3 cup of sugar. You may need to adjust this depending on how much fruit you have and how sweet it is, it's okay, just shake in a little more. Once you mix the fruit with the dry ingredients, the fruit should all be lightly coated with flour and sugar. If not, you might need a little bit more. If you put in too much, just let the excess shake down to the bottom of the bowl and toss it.
5. At this point, it is also nice to add some extra fancy-ness to your fruit. Toss in a bit of vanilla flavouring or cinnamon or nutmeg or whatever you fancy.
Now that your fruit is ready, it's time for the best part - the topping!
1. First, you need is a soft stick of futter. Throw this in a bowl, and cover it with equal parts flour and oats, something like 1/2 cup each, but keep them out because you may need to add more.
2. Also add about a 1/3 cup of brown sugar.
3. Now, get in there with your two hands (after you wash them!!! Jesus Cripes, there's a pandemic!) and squish the dry stuff into the butter until it is a homogeneous mixture. It should be fairly crumbly and clumpy, in pieces no larger than a dice. If it isn't crumbly enough, just add another shake of oats and flour, and keep on squishin.
Okay, now it's time to cook that shit!
First, throw the fruit mixture into the greasy pan, and you know, even it out.
Then, crumble the crumbly stuff over the top until it is a nice, thin layer of crumbly-ness covering the fruit, about 1-2cm thick.
Then, throw it in the middle rack of your oven, and let it bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes. You'll know it's done when you peek in the oven and there's little bubbles of fruity goodness penetrating the crusty top layer.
Let it cool before you dig in, because this bitch will burn your tongue! Them fruits is hot.
Anyway, enjoy! Impress your friends! They won't believe you made it from scratch, you fancy cook, you!
*From here on out, I will be referring to this oh-so-essential ingredient as "futter," as I like to use fake butter. But butter and marge are interchangeable for our purposes.
This is a really easy recipe that requires no actual measuring, and can be easily adapted depending on how much fruit you have. Oh yeah, and you don't have to use apples, either...
Okaayy sooo....
Stuff you will need:
~A baking dish. Something in the vicinity of an 8x8 or 9x9, and bigger if you have more fruit, of course. Or like a glass or ceramic pyrex would work, anything that is kinda big-ish and also not too deep - only a couple of inches really.
~ FRUIT! Any kind will do, but stuff that works best is: Peaches, Apples, Blackberries, Blueberries, Nectarines, Strawberries, even rhubarb if you are feeling adventurous - basically you can make this with any berries or butt-shaped fruits, fresh or frozen.
~ Sugar!!! You need the white kind AND the brown kind for this. But brown sugar is delicious, so you should already have some in your cupboard in case you need to make fake maple syrup for your pancakes or something (we'll get to that another time.)
~ Flour - you don't need too much of this
~ OATS! I know you have some of these that have been lying around on the top shelf forever because one roommate bought some thinking she'd be healthy and then wound up only cooking the oatmeal once because oatmeal is actually pretty gross. SO, oats. But if you don't have them, you should just get some from the bulk foods aisle - they're really cheap, and after you make this once, you will want to make it again and again.
~ FAT: Margarine or butter**, at room temp. If you've just grabbed it out of the fridge, you can nuke it for a few seconds, but not to melt - just to soften
~ A little bit of oil or some more futter.
The Alchemy:
1. Turn the oven on to 400 degrees.
2. Grease that pan with a little oil or futter! A light layer will do.
3. Get fruity. Apples you will want to peel, and large fruits need to be cut into dainty bite-sized chunks. Frozen berries ought to be run under the hot faucet in the collander at this point, to thaw them. For the purposes of this recipe, I'm going to assume you have about three to four large handfuls of fruit (using both hands - like, four cups-ish). You can also mix whatever you want - blackberries and blueberries are a nice combo, strawberries probably need to be mixed with something else for proper texture, and dark berries mixed with peach looks hideous, but is delicious.
4. Okay, now, in a large bowl, toss your fruit with about a 1/4 cup of flour (a few shakes from the bag or small handfuls (one handed), and about 1/3 cup of sugar. You may need to adjust this depending on how much fruit you have and how sweet it is, it's okay, just shake in a little more. Once you mix the fruit with the dry ingredients, the fruit should all be lightly coated with flour and sugar. If not, you might need a little bit more. If you put in too much, just let the excess shake down to the bottom of the bowl and toss it.
5. At this point, it is also nice to add some extra fancy-ness to your fruit. Toss in a bit of vanilla flavouring or cinnamon or nutmeg or whatever you fancy.
Now that your fruit is ready, it's time for the best part - the topping!
1. First, you need is a soft stick of futter. Throw this in a bowl, and cover it with equal parts flour and oats, something like 1/2 cup each, but keep them out because you may need to add more.
2. Also add about a 1/3 cup of brown sugar.
3. Now, get in there with your two hands (after you wash them!!! Jesus Cripes, there's a pandemic!) and squish the dry stuff into the butter until it is a homogeneous mixture. It should be fairly crumbly and clumpy, in pieces no larger than a dice. If it isn't crumbly enough, just add another shake of oats and flour, and keep on squishin.
Okay, now it's time to cook that shit!
First, throw the fruit mixture into the greasy pan, and you know, even it out.
Then, crumble the crumbly stuff over the top until it is a nice, thin layer of crumbly-ness covering the fruit, about 1-2cm thick.
Then, throw it in the middle rack of your oven, and let it bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes. You'll know it's done when you peek in the oven and there's little bubbles of fruity goodness penetrating the crusty top layer.
Let it cool before you dig in, because this bitch will burn your tongue! Them fruits is hot.
Anyway, enjoy! Impress your friends! They won't believe you made it from scratch, you fancy cook, you!
*From here on out, I will be referring to this oh-so-essential ingredient as "futter," as I like to use fake butter. But butter and marge are interchangeable for our purposes.
Hobo Hot Pockets!
Today's delight is a little something I call "Hobo Hot Pockets," but which is also known by the more descriptive "cheesy biscuits." These babies are quick, easy, and you can mix them with your hands, which means they are totally fun to make, too. They make a delicious, easy brekky, suitable for two to four people (depending on how hungry they are...or just double the recipe) and they are portable! Hot DAMN!
Gear:
~ Big old mixing bowl
~ Cheese grater! (You better already have this)
~ Baking sheet
~ Measuring cup
Vittles:
~ 2 cups FLOUR
~ 2 tbsp futter (butter/margarine/crisco/shortening - any of these will do just fine.)
~ 5 tbsp baking POWDER (NOT the stuff in the orange box. You want the stuff in the little white cylinder)
~ 1 tsp salt (or, you know - a few shakes of the salt shaker)
~ 1 cup milk or soy milk. *If you make these with futter and soy milk, they are totally vegan biscuits, too!*
SO...what you do is...
~Preheat oven to 400 degrees
~In a big bowl, mix dry ingredients.
~heat to soften the futter, and add it to the dry ingredients. Also add the milk.
~stir it up until it becomes a uniform mixture. It will become hella sticky and difficult to stir, I usually use a fork because it's good for scraping the bowl, and I've broken too many plastic spatulas stirring this shit. Don't buy plastic spatulas.
Once it's become a thick dough, get out your baking sheet. Then, coat your
(freshly washed and thoroughly dried) hands in some extra flour. This helps you not have hopelessly dough-coated hands. I tell you, it's sticky.
What I like to do is separate the dough into two equal blobs. This will help you portion out equal biscuits.
Take one of your dough-blobs, and separate it further into halves. Each of these sub-halfs (or quarters, if you are keeping track) should be enough for three biscuits. Take small sections of dough about golf-ball sized, and plop them on the baking sheet, carefully flattening the balls into a neat little disc, about as big as your fist.
Arrange six discs on your baking sheet evenly.
NOW comes the fun part. Anything you think would be delicious in a biscuit, you can put in these babies. I pretty much always use cheese, because it is magically delicious, usually cheddar or white cheddar, if I'm lucky...
Other things I suggest for your biscuits is bacon bits (freshly made...like, if you have only a few pieces of bacon left in the package, or maybe a slice leftover from breakfast yesterday) or ham, or even some lovely vegan "ground beef" or seitan. I also think a bit of tomato might be nice, or even some drained frozen spinach and feta if you want to fancy it up.
SO put a small mount of innards into the center of each dough-disc. Keep at least a centimetre of dough at the edge if you can.
NEXT, take the second blob of dough and divide like you did the first, into six even balls. Take these and work them into discs in your (well-floured) hands, then place on top of the innards pile, and seal the two sides of dough around the edge by pinching with your fingers. They won't be terribly beautiful to behold, but the oven will take care of that. As a finishing touch, I like to sprinkle a little bit more cheese with maybe some rosemary or whatever green herb you may have in your kitchen...that is intended for cooking...primarily....and not really for smoking......OKAY!
Then just pop these suckers in the oven for 12-ish minutes. They'll come out delicious with a molten center of white-hot cheese-lava! HElls yeah! Brekky is served, bitches!
Gear:
~ Big old mixing bowl
~ Cheese grater! (You better already have this)
~ Baking sheet
~ Measuring cup
Vittles:
~ 2 cups FLOUR
~ 2 tbsp futter (butter/margarine/crisco/shortening - any of these will do just fine.)
~ 5 tbsp baking POWDER (NOT the stuff in the orange box. You want the stuff in the little white cylinder)
~ 1 tsp salt (or, you know - a few shakes of the salt shaker)
~ 1 cup milk or soy milk. *If you make these with futter and soy milk, they are totally vegan biscuits, too!*
SO...what you do is...
~Preheat oven to 400 degrees
~In a big bowl, mix dry ingredients.
~heat to soften the futter, and add it to the dry ingredients. Also add the milk.
~stir it up until it becomes a uniform mixture. It will become hella sticky and difficult to stir, I usually use a fork because it's good for scraping the bowl, and I've broken too many plastic spatulas stirring this shit. Don't buy plastic spatulas.
Once it's become a thick dough, get out your baking sheet. Then, coat your
(freshly washed and thoroughly dried) hands in some extra flour. This helps you not have hopelessly dough-coated hands. I tell you, it's sticky.
What I like to do is separate the dough into two equal blobs. This will help you portion out equal biscuits.
Take one of your dough-blobs, and separate it further into halves. Each of these sub-halfs (or quarters, if you are keeping track) should be enough for three biscuits. Take small sections of dough about golf-ball sized, and plop them on the baking sheet, carefully flattening the balls into a neat little disc, about as big as your fist.
Arrange six discs on your baking sheet evenly.
NOW comes the fun part. Anything you think would be delicious in a biscuit, you can put in these babies. I pretty much always use cheese, because it is magically delicious, usually cheddar or white cheddar, if I'm lucky...
Other things I suggest for your biscuits is bacon bits (freshly made...like, if you have only a few pieces of bacon left in the package, or maybe a slice leftover from breakfast yesterday) or ham, or even some lovely vegan "ground beef" or seitan. I also think a bit of tomato might be nice, or even some drained frozen spinach and feta if you want to fancy it up.
SO put a small mount of innards into the center of each dough-disc. Keep at least a centimetre of dough at the edge if you can.
NEXT, take the second blob of dough and divide like you did the first, into six even balls. Take these and work them into discs in your (well-floured) hands, then place on top of the innards pile, and seal the two sides of dough around the edge by pinching with your fingers. They won't be terribly beautiful to behold, but the oven will take care of that. As a finishing touch, I like to sprinkle a little bit more cheese with maybe some rosemary or whatever green herb you may have in your kitchen...that is intended for cooking...primarily....and not really for smoking......OKAY!
Then just pop these suckers in the oven for 12-ish minutes. They'll come out delicious with a molten center of white-hot cheese-lava! HElls yeah! Brekky is served, bitches!
04 November 2009
Making Something (Delicious) from....Crap.
I've decided to take things in a new direction, as bitching and complaining about humanity's utter lack of good manners is a little tired, and well, hopeless.
On a more positive note, please enjoy the first installment of a little something I like to call "Stoner Cooking," but you may also call it "Ghetto Cooking," "Hobo Cookin'" or "I-Never-Go-Grocery-Shopping Cooking," or whatever makes you most comfortable. The scope of these posts will be to provide easy, quick recipes composed of cheap crap and leftovers you already have in your kitchen*, for those nights when you are too broke or tired or stoned to actually go out and buy something to eat.
Tonight's Menu: Macaroni Surprise!
Equipment: Medium-sized pot to boil pasta, collander
Ingredients:
~One box of macaroni, plus fixin's for the sauce. If you don't have milk, just add a little extra butter. If you don't have butter, just add a little extra milk. I use margarine, because it's about 1/4 the price of butter. Yay.
~Canned or frozen small veggies of your preference - I like peas and corn, because they are small and taste delicious, and are usable in both canned and frozen form. Some veggie medley might work nicely too, and a bag of frozen peas is really cheap - and when you get in a fight, you can use it to ice your shiner!
~Cheese!!! This is another thing I think you should always have in the fridge. I know it's not cheap, but it's really the only expensive thing you need. With cheese, the sky's the limit!
~Chicken Nuggets! I know you have a few chicken fingers or nuggets or maybe even a veggie burger in the back of the freezer....I use veggie nuggets (I call it "ficken nuggets") because I am fancy.
Directions:
1. Make the macaroni as you would normally make macaroni. MEANWHILE, throw your handful of nuggets (like, 5 or so would be fine, whatever is left) or patties into the oven or microwave to defrost/heat them.
2. While the mac is cooking, put the colander in the sink and toss in a handful of veggies. You really only need about 1/2 cup total of veggies, canned or frozen - you don't want them to dominate your delicious cheesy pasta. Rinse them veggies in the collander with warm water if they are frozen (you DO NOT want to put frozen peas into hot pasta. Ew.) Save the leftover canned stuff in a jar (re-use old salsa jars, the are the best.) to use for another stoner meal later this week. We'll get there.
3. Drain mac straight into the veggies in the colander. Now everything's warm and nice. Once it's drained, throw the whole mess back into your pot, and add the cheese sauce and stir it up.
4. Grab those hot meat products now, and chop 'em up into bite-sized pieces. Throw 'em in the pot and stir them in too.
5. As a finishing touch, I like to add a few handfuls of grated cheese into the mix and stir it up for extra cheesy-protein-licious-ness. Then sprinkle a little on top to make it look fancy.
6. Enjoy! Impress your friends. Serves 3 or 4, easily. (The more extra crap you add to stretch the macaroni, the more you can feed, obvs.)
Also keeps nicely to bring to school/work for lunch tomorrow! YuM!
*Disclaimer: I believe that one should always have some very basic baking ingredients in the house: baking powder, flour, and sugar are a good place to start, and also, they are cheap, and they last a long time. Just get some now and it will save us a lot of grief later.
**I am also assuming you live somewhere that there is a kitchen - ie, a fridge, sink, stove, and oven. Ok? Good.
On a more positive note, please enjoy the first installment of a little something I like to call "Stoner Cooking," but you may also call it "Ghetto Cooking," "Hobo Cookin'" or "I-Never-Go-Grocery-Shopping Cooking," or whatever makes you most comfortable. The scope of these posts will be to provide easy, quick recipes composed of cheap crap and leftovers you already have in your kitchen*, for those nights when you are too broke or tired or stoned to actually go out and buy something to eat.
Tonight's Menu: Macaroni Surprise!
Equipment: Medium-sized pot to boil pasta, collander
Ingredients:
~One box of macaroni, plus fixin's for the sauce. If you don't have milk, just add a little extra butter. If you don't have butter, just add a little extra milk. I use margarine, because it's about 1/4 the price of butter. Yay.
~Canned or frozen small veggies of your preference - I like peas and corn, because they are small and taste delicious, and are usable in both canned and frozen form. Some veggie medley might work nicely too, and a bag of frozen peas is really cheap - and when you get in a fight, you can use it to ice your shiner!
~Cheese!!! This is another thing I think you should always have in the fridge. I know it's not cheap, but it's really the only expensive thing you need. With cheese, the sky's the limit!
~Chicken Nuggets! I know you have a few chicken fingers or nuggets or maybe even a veggie burger in the back of the freezer....I use veggie nuggets (I call it "ficken nuggets") because I am fancy.
Directions:
1. Make the macaroni as you would normally make macaroni. MEANWHILE, throw your handful of nuggets (like, 5 or so would be fine, whatever is left) or patties into the oven or microwave to defrost/heat them.
2. While the mac is cooking, put the colander in the sink and toss in a handful of veggies. You really only need about 1/2 cup total of veggies, canned or frozen - you don't want them to dominate your delicious cheesy pasta. Rinse them veggies in the collander with warm water if they are frozen (you DO NOT want to put frozen peas into hot pasta. Ew.) Save the leftover canned stuff in a jar (re-use old salsa jars, the are the best.) to use for another stoner meal later this week. We'll get there.
3. Drain mac straight into the veggies in the colander. Now everything's warm and nice. Once it's drained, throw the whole mess back into your pot, and add the cheese sauce and stir it up.
4. Grab those hot meat products now, and chop 'em up into bite-sized pieces. Throw 'em in the pot and stir them in too.
5. As a finishing touch, I like to add a few handfuls of grated cheese into the mix and stir it up for extra cheesy-protein-licious-ness. Then sprinkle a little on top to make it look fancy.
6. Enjoy! Impress your friends. Serves 3 or 4, easily. (The more extra crap you add to stretch the macaroni, the more you can feed, obvs.)
Also keeps nicely to bring to school/work for lunch tomorrow! YuM!
*Disclaimer: I believe that one should always have some very basic baking ingredients in the house: baking powder, flour, and sugar are a good place to start, and also, they are cheap, and they last a long time. Just get some now and it will save us a lot of grief later.
**I am also assuming you live somewhere that there is a kitchen - ie, a fridge, sink, stove, and oven. Ok? Good.
28 October 2009
HELLevator
It's time for MORE in a long list of things I hate about the elevator.
The delightful elevators in my office building are a unique sort of square-ish, six-sided shape. It's mostly a square, but then, there are these extra walls...
Nevermind, it's not important.
What is important is that people are leotarded and don't know how to use the elevator.
Example!
This morning, I am the last of four people to hop in the elevator, and it is my lucky life that I work on the top stop for my particular set of elevators. No matter what, I must wait, because I'm always the last person to get off. (Story of my life, right? Ha, ha!)
Yeahhh...aanyway. So, I get in there, and there's a dude taking up the right wall, another dude bogarting the left wall, and some girl in really awful sandal-boots (in this weather? C'mon, bitch, those aren't even cute. No excuse.) is monopolizing the entire back wall (a lovely concave structure consisting of three smaller walls.)
So, I get in, and I have to stand at the front of the elevator, awkwardly standing in front of my 'companions,' with my nose to the door. Which is a weird situation to begin with, but becomes infinitely more awkward as the elevator approaches the first destination. I start to panic. Which one of these assholes behind me is about to hop out? Which side should I be prepared to lean to? What if I lean right, and the right-wall guy is all "exCUSE me" - ugh! I'm like, come on! guy! If you were gonna be the first to leave, why did you make me stand there?
The delightful elevators in my office building are a unique sort of square-ish, six-sided shape. It's mostly a square, but then, there are these extra walls...
Nevermind, it's not important.
What is important is that people are leotarded and don't know how to use the elevator.
Example!
This morning, I am the last of four people to hop in the elevator, and it is my lucky life that I work on the top stop for my particular set of elevators. No matter what, I must wait, because I'm always the last person to get off. (Story of my life, right? Ha, ha!)
Yeahhh...aanyway. So, I get in there, and there's a dude taking up the right wall, another dude bogarting the left wall, and some girl in really awful sandal-boots (in this weather? C'mon, bitch, those aren't even cute. No excuse.) is monopolizing the entire back wall (a lovely concave structure consisting of three smaller walls.)
So, I get in, and I have to stand at the front of the elevator, awkwardly standing in front of my 'companions,' with my nose to the door. Which is a weird situation to begin with, but becomes infinitely more awkward as the elevator approaches the first destination. I start to panic. Which one of these assholes behind me is about to hop out? Which side should I be prepared to lean to? What if I lean right, and the right-wall guy is all "exCUSE me" - ugh! I'm like, come on! guy! If you were gonna be the first to leave, why did you make me stand there?
27 October 2009
I Smell A Smell....
It's a smelly smell, and it smells....smelly. *
Ladies and Gents, it is time once again for me to bitch about all the rude things you do that I really hate. Today's subject is all about...you guessed it! SMELLS!
In particular I am talking about perfume and cologne smells. Let's face it - these stinkifiers are irritating to lots of people - babies, people with allergies, the elderly (who are generally always irritated, but I digress) - so who told these people it was okay to put so much on!?
Are these people anosmic?
Are the fumes causing them to loose cognitive function to the point of overzealous perfume application?
Do they really think it smells good?
Personally, and I might be a bit stingy on this one, I don't want to be able to smell your perfume or cologne or whatever else unless I'm right up in your personal bubble. Like, we're hugging. At that point I could remark, "Ah, you smell so good!" and it would be nice.
But all too often, people are thoroughly dousing themselves every morning. While I understand the need for proper hygiene, and the desire to avoid embarrassing odors, don't you think there comes a point where the line must be drawn? I appreciate the concept of "covering" an odor, but I appreciate more the concept of "deodorant."
What really freaks me out is the sheer regularity with which I pass an individual all spiffed out in their Tuesday best, and as they pass they leave behind a trail of pungent stinkis. Ugh.
However the ultimate smell torture of working in an office building is that bastion of claustrophobia, the elevator.
Ahh, yes.
Here we all are, cozy in this elevator. Wow, I'm amazed that eleven of us actually fit in here!
But then...the horror starts to set in. The smell seeps, slowly at first, gaining speed as it fills the small column of stale air with it's wretched stench. My eyes begin to water, my throat feels dry and hoarse, I long to cough....
...I long to hose down the stupid bitch who's trying to suffocate us all.
"You folks don't mind if I light up in this here elevator, do you? It's just....the smell....*cough, cough* ...it would really help me breathe easier...."
*quote culled from a random, beloved-by-me episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.
Ladies and Gents, it is time once again for me to bitch about all the rude things you do that I really hate. Today's subject is all about...you guessed it! SMELLS!
In particular I am talking about perfume and cologne smells. Let's face it - these stinkifiers are irritating to lots of people - babies, people with allergies, the elderly (who are generally always irritated, but I digress) - so who told these people it was okay to put so much on!?
Are these people anosmic?
Are the fumes causing them to loose cognitive function to the point of overzealous perfume application?
Do they really think it smells good?
Personally, and I might be a bit stingy on this one, I don't want to be able to smell your perfume or cologne or whatever else unless I'm right up in your personal bubble. Like, we're hugging. At that point I could remark, "Ah, you smell so good!" and it would be nice.
But all too often, people are thoroughly dousing themselves every morning. While I understand the need for proper hygiene, and the desire to avoid embarrassing odors, don't you think there comes a point where the line must be drawn? I appreciate the concept of "covering" an odor, but I appreciate more the concept of "deodorant."
What really freaks me out is the sheer regularity with which I pass an individual all spiffed out in their Tuesday best, and as they pass they leave behind a trail of pungent stinkis. Ugh.
However the ultimate smell torture of working in an office building is that bastion of claustrophobia, the elevator.
Ahh, yes.
Here we all are, cozy in this elevator. Wow, I'm amazed that eleven of us actually fit in here!
But then...the horror starts to set in. The smell seeps, slowly at first, gaining speed as it fills the small column of stale air with it's wretched stench. My eyes begin to water, my throat feels dry and hoarse, I long to cough....
...I long to hose down the stupid bitch who's trying to suffocate us all.
"You folks don't mind if I light up in this here elevator, do you? It's just....the smell....*cough, cough* ...it would really help me breathe easier...."
*quote culled from a random, beloved-by-me episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.
26 October 2009
More about Rain
I am thinking a lot about rain today, mainly because it's raining. Hard. So hard I tried to convince the boyfriend to take my extra umbrella (a perky, green little number) - naturally, he refused.
I also got to wear my rubber rain boots for the first time...since this summer. I bought these adorable rainboots last year - tall, plain black, cute little buckle detail, and only $30 at Urban Outfitters.....sadly, after a few weeks of wear, a handy little split appeared in the side - right at the seam between rubber sole and rubber upper. Balls. Happily, thanks to Shoe Goo (and no thanks to UO's shoddy product) my feet are dry. Hallelujah. Or however you spell that.
Another etiquette issue about the rain that I feel should be addressed is the rainy day drivers. I mean, I understand you. If'n I even owned a car, I would probably be pretty convinced to take it on a day like today. What I would not do is swerve into puddles just to splash the sad, wet rats who have to walk to work (like me! like me!) who don't have cars. So, fuck you, Splash-Monger! May you spin out of control and total your car.
While we're on the subject, I'd like to address another concern, which is that of the Impatient Rain Driver. You huff and you puff as I trudge across the street, or you don't wait at all, speeding through the intersection as I stand, dejected and cold. I mean, really! I'm outside! I'm wet, I'm cold, and I am slow - because I am walking, not driving. You are fast, you are comfortable, you are DRY! So, fuuuuuuuuck you too!
On another wet-weather note though, I did find fabulous patterned umbrellas at Daiso (in Westlake - it is a Japanese dollar store, so if you haven't ever been there, you need to go right now) for only $1.50! I bought a whole fucking bouquet.
I also got to wear my rubber rain boots for the first time...since this summer. I bought these adorable rainboots last year - tall, plain black, cute little buckle detail, and only $30 at Urban Outfitters.....sadly, after a few weeks of wear, a handy little split appeared in the side - right at the seam between rubber sole and rubber upper. Balls. Happily, thanks to Shoe Goo (and no thanks to UO's shoddy product) my feet are dry. Hallelujah. Or however you spell that.
Another etiquette issue about the rain that I feel should be addressed is the rainy day drivers. I mean, I understand you. If'n I even owned a car, I would probably be pretty convinced to take it on a day like today. What I would not do is swerve into puddles just to splash the sad, wet rats who have to walk to work (like me! like me!) who don't have cars. So, fuck you, Splash-Monger! May you spin out of control and total your car.
While we're on the subject, I'd like to address another concern, which is that of the Impatient Rain Driver. You huff and you puff as I trudge across the street, or you don't wait at all, speeding through the intersection as I stand, dejected and cold. I mean, really! I'm outside! I'm wet, I'm cold, and I am slow - because I am walking, not driving. You are fast, you are comfortable, you are DRY! So, fuuuuuuuuck you too!
On another wet-weather note though, I did find fabulous patterned umbrellas at Daiso (in Westlake - it is a Japanese dollar store, so if you haven't ever been there, you need to go right now) for only $1.50! I bought a whole fucking bouquet.
Dear Seattle, Let's talk about rain.
To start with, let me give full disclosure and tell you I work downtown in an office builidng, which is possible the worst place in Seattle for douchey business-people who think they own the sidewalk, which really gets my goat.
Aaaanyway, business douchebags, I thought we might want to talk about the weather today, since, you know, that's what everyone does anyway. Especially when it's raining, like right now. Boy, is it raining! It rained all night! It's still raining! It's damp! Yeah, I know. And even though we're not the rainiest city in the Estados Unidos, everyone who lives here pretends it is. Which makes this rain hullabaloo even weirder. What kind of city renowned for it's moistness is full of idiots who act like they've never seen rain before? Like you, Mr. Golf-Umbrella-Guy. Is that really the only umbrella you own? That one with the two-metre diameter? I really feel like such an umbrella is inappropriate for a lone ranger on a crowded sidewalk, unless of course he is escorting a lady or a child or maybe a rolly-backpack. But still dude, you drive a Beemer, buy a damn personal umbrella at Bartell's.
Worse than that though are the Awning-Walkers. Hi, Ladies. I notice you each have your own fashionable, personal umbrella. That's nice. How cute. However, I thought it odd that you should choose to walk beneath the awning provided by these lovely office builidngs....did you forget you had an umbrella? You know, that cute little thing you're carrying around, that keeps the rain off you? Which is what it is made for? Why are you walking under the awning? With your umbrella up? Are you made of sugar? Otherwise, Ladies, let me say this: Get the fuck out from under the awning!!!! What really blows my goat is when people walk by with their umbrellas under the awning, and then force umbrella-less me out under the edge of the awning, where the drips collect in pools to be extra-juicy when they finally fall onto your glasses or the precious lit end of your soggy cigarette.
When the awning-walkers and the golf-umbrellars mate, however, is when things get their ugliest. Do not hesitate to give a quick shank in the side to anyone violating both of these rules simultaneously.
Aaaanyway, business douchebags, I thought we might want to talk about the weather today, since, you know, that's what everyone does anyway. Especially when it's raining, like right now. Boy, is it raining! It rained all night! It's still raining! It's damp! Yeah, I know. And even though we're not the rainiest city in the Estados Unidos, everyone who lives here pretends it is. Which makes this rain hullabaloo even weirder. What kind of city renowned for it's moistness is full of idiots who act like they've never seen rain before? Like you, Mr. Golf-Umbrella-Guy. Is that really the only umbrella you own? That one with the two-metre diameter? I really feel like such an umbrella is inappropriate for a lone ranger on a crowded sidewalk, unless of course he is escorting a lady or a child or maybe a rolly-backpack. But still dude, you drive a Beemer, buy a damn personal umbrella at Bartell's.
Worse than that though are the Awning-Walkers. Hi, Ladies. I notice you each have your own fashionable, personal umbrella. That's nice. How cute. However, I thought it odd that you should choose to walk beneath the awning provided by these lovely office builidngs....did you forget you had an umbrella? You know, that cute little thing you're carrying around, that keeps the rain off you? Which is what it is made for? Why are you walking under the awning? With your umbrella up? Are you made of sugar? Otherwise, Ladies, let me say this: Get the fuck out from under the awning!!!! What really blows my goat is when people walk by with their umbrellas under the awning, and then force umbrella-less me out under the edge of the awning, where the drips collect in pools to be extra-juicy when they finally fall onto your glasses or the precious lit end of your soggy cigarette.
When the awning-walkers and the golf-umbrellars mate, however, is when things get their ugliest. Do not hesitate to give a quick shank in the side to anyone violating both of these rules simultaneously.
22 October 2009
Etiquette for Riding the Bus
Fuck riding the bus. It sucks, but everyone has to do it now and again, especially if you're like me and you're poor, car-less (very different from careless, which I'll get to in a moment), living in the city, or all of the above.
Anyway, we all hate riding the bus. It smells bad, it's usually too crowded, and it's slow-slow-slow. I could walk home in the amount of time it takes a bus to bring me there, but sometimes I'm just too lazy. Riding the bus is a uniquely horrid experience in bringing strangers together - lots of strangers in a hurry, tired, grumpy, what have you - just wanting the bus to bring them home as soon as possible. No one actually wants to be there. Bearing such things in mind, there are a few things that we can all do to make this a slightly less torturous ordeal. Please allow me to explain a series of the more important aspects of bus etiquette, using archetypal examples culled from my many years of bus riding experience.
1. Special Seat Guy
Yeah, hi there, fatty. You, the guy who's sitting comfortably in a seat all to his onesie? Try if you can to become aware of your surroundings. If there is anyone (yes, even that gutter punk) standing, then what the fuck business do you have, enjoying that bench all to yourself? Pick up your fucking backpack off the seat next to you, and slide your fat butt over toward the window, so the tired lady clinging to the bus pole has a place to sit too.
2. Bus Pimp
Why, yes! Not only would I love to "hang out" with you "sometime," but I also really enjoy being hit on to the point of sexual harassment when I'm trapped on a moving vehicle, so, good eye.
3. Speed Demon
We're not all just standing in this specific spot on the sidewalk because it's awesome to watch all the cars go by. No, lady, we're all actually waiting to get on - believe it or not - the same bus as you! So, like, where the fuck is your sense of entitlement coming from that you think you've got permanent firsties? Jeebus, lady! It's really not a race, we're all gonna get on that bus through the same tiny door, and well, if there isn't a seat for you today, it isn't your lucky day. But damned if I'll let your bitch-ass cut me off in the bus line again!
Bus people, you suck. Try and get some manners before you ride my bus again.
Anyway, we all hate riding the bus. It smells bad, it's usually too crowded, and it's slow-slow-slow. I could walk home in the amount of time it takes a bus to bring me there, but sometimes I'm just too lazy. Riding the bus is a uniquely horrid experience in bringing strangers together - lots of strangers in a hurry, tired, grumpy, what have you - just wanting the bus to bring them home as soon as possible. No one actually wants to be there. Bearing such things in mind, there are a few things that we can all do to make this a slightly less torturous ordeal. Please allow me to explain a series of the more important aspects of bus etiquette, using archetypal examples culled from my many years of bus riding experience.
1. Special Seat Guy
Yeah, hi there, fatty. You, the guy who's sitting comfortably in a seat all to his onesie? Try if you can to become aware of your surroundings. If there is anyone (yes, even that gutter punk) standing, then what the fuck business do you have, enjoying that bench all to yourself? Pick up your fucking backpack off the seat next to you, and slide your fat butt over toward the window, so the tired lady clinging to the bus pole has a place to sit too.
2. Bus Pimp
Why, yes! Not only would I love to "hang out" with you "sometime," but I also really enjoy being hit on to the point of sexual harassment when I'm trapped on a moving vehicle, so, good eye.
3. Speed Demon
We're not all just standing in this specific spot on the sidewalk because it's awesome to watch all the cars go by. No, lady, we're all actually waiting to get on - believe it or not - the same bus as you! So, like, where the fuck is your sense of entitlement coming from that you think you've got permanent firsties? Jeebus, lady! It's really not a race, we're all gonna get on that bus through the same tiny door, and well, if there isn't a seat for you today, it isn't your lucky day. But damned if I'll let your bitch-ass cut me off in the bus line again!
Bus people, you suck. Try and get some manners before you ride my bus again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
