It's time for MORE in a long list of things I hate about the elevator.
The delightful elevators in my office building are a unique sort of square-ish, six-sided shape. It's mostly a square, but then, there are these extra walls...
Nevermind, it's not important.
What is important is that people are leotarded and don't know how to use the elevator.
Example!
This morning, I am the last of four people to hop in the elevator, and it is my lucky life that I work on the top stop for my particular set of elevators. No matter what, I must wait, because I'm always the last person to get off. (Story of my life, right? Ha, ha!)
Yeahhh...aanyway. So, I get in there, and there's a dude taking up the right wall, another dude bogarting the left wall, and some girl in really awful sandal-boots (in this weather? C'mon, bitch, those aren't even cute. No excuse.) is monopolizing the entire back wall (a lovely concave structure consisting of three smaller walls.)
So, I get in, and I have to stand at the front of the elevator, awkwardly standing in front of my 'companions,' with my nose to the door. Which is a weird situation to begin with, but becomes infinitely more awkward as the elevator approaches the first destination. I start to panic. Which one of these assholes behind me is about to hop out? Which side should I be prepared to lean to? What if I lean right, and the right-wall guy is all "exCUSE me" - ugh! I'm like, come on! guy! If you were gonna be the first to leave, why did you make me stand there?
28 October 2009
27 October 2009
I Smell A Smell....
It's a smelly smell, and it smells....smelly. *
Ladies and Gents, it is time once again for me to bitch about all the rude things you do that I really hate. Today's subject is all about...you guessed it! SMELLS!
In particular I am talking about perfume and cologne smells. Let's face it - these stinkifiers are irritating to lots of people - babies, people with allergies, the elderly (who are generally always irritated, but I digress) - so who told these people it was okay to put so much on!?
Are these people anosmic?
Are the fumes causing them to loose cognitive function to the point of overzealous perfume application?
Do they really think it smells good?
Personally, and I might be a bit stingy on this one, I don't want to be able to smell your perfume or cologne or whatever else unless I'm right up in your personal bubble. Like, we're hugging. At that point I could remark, "Ah, you smell so good!" and it would be nice.
But all too often, people are thoroughly dousing themselves every morning. While I understand the need for proper hygiene, and the desire to avoid embarrassing odors, don't you think there comes a point where the line must be drawn? I appreciate the concept of "covering" an odor, but I appreciate more the concept of "deodorant."
What really freaks me out is the sheer regularity with which I pass an individual all spiffed out in their Tuesday best, and as they pass they leave behind a trail of pungent stinkis. Ugh.
However the ultimate smell torture of working in an office building is that bastion of claustrophobia, the elevator.
Ahh, yes.
Here we all are, cozy in this elevator. Wow, I'm amazed that eleven of us actually fit in here!
But then...the horror starts to set in. The smell seeps, slowly at first, gaining speed as it fills the small column of stale air with it's wretched stench. My eyes begin to water, my throat feels dry and hoarse, I long to cough....
...I long to hose down the stupid bitch who's trying to suffocate us all.
"You folks don't mind if I light up in this here elevator, do you? It's just....the smell....*cough, cough* ...it would really help me breathe easier...."
*quote culled from a random, beloved-by-me episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.
Ladies and Gents, it is time once again for me to bitch about all the rude things you do that I really hate. Today's subject is all about...you guessed it! SMELLS!
In particular I am talking about perfume and cologne smells. Let's face it - these stinkifiers are irritating to lots of people - babies, people with allergies, the elderly (who are generally always irritated, but I digress) - so who told these people it was okay to put so much on!?
Are these people anosmic?
Are the fumes causing them to loose cognitive function to the point of overzealous perfume application?
Do they really think it smells good?
Personally, and I might be a bit stingy on this one, I don't want to be able to smell your perfume or cologne or whatever else unless I'm right up in your personal bubble. Like, we're hugging. At that point I could remark, "Ah, you smell so good!" and it would be nice.
But all too often, people are thoroughly dousing themselves every morning. While I understand the need for proper hygiene, and the desire to avoid embarrassing odors, don't you think there comes a point where the line must be drawn? I appreciate the concept of "covering" an odor, but I appreciate more the concept of "deodorant."
What really freaks me out is the sheer regularity with which I pass an individual all spiffed out in their Tuesday best, and as they pass they leave behind a trail of pungent stinkis. Ugh.
However the ultimate smell torture of working in an office building is that bastion of claustrophobia, the elevator.
Ahh, yes.
Here we all are, cozy in this elevator. Wow, I'm amazed that eleven of us actually fit in here!
But then...the horror starts to set in. The smell seeps, slowly at first, gaining speed as it fills the small column of stale air with it's wretched stench. My eyes begin to water, my throat feels dry and hoarse, I long to cough....
...I long to hose down the stupid bitch who's trying to suffocate us all.
"You folks don't mind if I light up in this here elevator, do you? It's just....the smell....*cough, cough* ...it would really help me breathe easier...."
*quote culled from a random, beloved-by-me episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.
26 October 2009
More about Rain
I am thinking a lot about rain today, mainly because it's raining. Hard. So hard I tried to convince the boyfriend to take my extra umbrella (a perky, green little number) - naturally, he refused.
I also got to wear my rubber rain boots for the first time...since this summer. I bought these adorable rainboots last year - tall, plain black, cute little buckle detail, and only $30 at Urban Outfitters.....sadly, after a few weeks of wear, a handy little split appeared in the side - right at the seam between rubber sole and rubber upper. Balls. Happily, thanks to Shoe Goo (and no thanks to UO's shoddy product) my feet are dry. Hallelujah. Or however you spell that.
Another etiquette issue about the rain that I feel should be addressed is the rainy day drivers. I mean, I understand you. If'n I even owned a car, I would probably be pretty convinced to take it on a day like today. What I would not do is swerve into puddles just to splash the sad, wet rats who have to walk to work (like me! like me!) who don't have cars. So, fuck you, Splash-Monger! May you spin out of control and total your car.
While we're on the subject, I'd like to address another concern, which is that of the Impatient Rain Driver. You huff and you puff as I trudge across the street, or you don't wait at all, speeding through the intersection as I stand, dejected and cold. I mean, really! I'm outside! I'm wet, I'm cold, and I am slow - because I am walking, not driving. You are fast, you are comfortable, you are DRY! So, fuuuuuuuuck you too!
On another wet-weather note though, I did find fabulous patterned umbrellas at Daiso (in Westlake - it is a Japanese dollar store, so if you haven't ever been there, you need to go right now) for only $1.50! I bought a whole fucking bouquet.
I also got to wear my rubber rain boots for the first time...since this summer. I bought these adorable rainboots last year - tall, plain black, cute little buckle detail, and only $30 at Urban Outfitters.....sadly, after a few weeks of wear, a handy little split appeared in the side - right at the seam between rubber sole and rubber upper. Balls. Happily, thanks to Shoe Goo (and no thanks to UO's shoddy product) my feet are dry. Hallelujah. Or however you spell that.
Another etiquette issue about the rain that I feel should be addressed is the rainy day drivers. I mean, I understand you. If'n I even owned a car, I would probably be pretty convinced to take it on a day like today. What I would not do is swerve into puddles just to splash the sad, wet rats who have to walk to work (like me! like me!) who don't have cars. So, fuck you, Splash-Monger! May you spin out of control and total your car.
While we're on the subject, I'd like to address another concern, which is that of the Impatient Rain Driver. You huff and you puff as I trudge across the street, or you don't wait at all, speeding through the intersection as I stand, dejected and cold. I mean, really! I'm outside! I'm wet, I'm cold, and I am slow - because I am walking, not driving. You are fast, you are comfortable, you are DRY! So, fuuuuuuuuck you too!
On another wet-weather note though, I did find fabulous patterned umbrellas at Daiso (in Westlake - it is a Japanese dollar store, so if you haven't ever been there, you need to go right now) for only $1.50! I bought a whole fucking bouquet.
Dear Seattle, Let's talk about rain.
To start with, let me give full disclosure and tell you I work downtown in an office builidng, which is possible the worst place in Seattle for douchey business-people who think they own the sidewalk, which really gets my goat.
Aaaanyway, business douchebags, I thought we might want to talk about the weather today, since, you know, that's what everyone does anyway. Especially when it's raining, like right now. Boy, is it raining! It rained all night! It's still raining! It's damp! Yeah, I know. And even though we're not the rainiest city in the Estados Unidos, everyone who lives here pretends it is. Which makes this rain hullabaloo even weirder. What kind of city renowned for it's moistness is full of idiots who act like they've never seen rain before? Like you, Mr. Golf-Umbrella-Guy. Is that really the only umbrella you own? That one with the two-metre diameter? I really feel like such an umbrella is inappropriate for a lone ranger on a crowded sidewalk, unless of course he is escorting a lady or a child or maybe a rolly-backpack. But still dude, you drive a Beemer, buy a damn personal umbrella at Bartell's.
Worse than that though are the Awning-Walkers. Hi, Ladies. I notice you each have your own fashionable, personal umbrella. That's nice. How cute. However, I thought it odd that you should choose to walk beneath the awning provided by these lovely office builidngs....did you forget you had an umbrella? You know, that cute little thing you're carrying around, that keeps the rain off you? Which is what it is made for? Why are you walking under the awning? With your umbrella up? Are you made of sugar? Otherwise, Ladies, let me say this: Get the fuck out from under the awning!!!! What really blows my goat is when people walk by with their umbrellas under the awning, and then force umbrella-less me out under the edge of the awning, where the drips collect in pools to be extra-juicy when they finally fall onto your glasses or the precious lit end of your soggy cigarette.
When the awning-walkers and the golf-umbrellars mate, however, is when things get their ugliest. Do not hesitate to give a quick shank in the side to anyone violating both of these rules simultaneously.
Aaaanyway, business douchebags, I thought we might want to talk about the weather today, since, you know, that's what everyone does anyway. Especially when it's raining, like right now. Boy, is it raining! It rained all night! It's still raining! It's damp! Yeah, I know. And even though we're not the rainiest city in the Estados Unidos, everyone who lives here pretends it is. Which makes this rain hullabaloo even weirder. What kind of city renowned for it's moistness is full of idiots who act like they've never seen rain before? Like you, Mr. Golf-Umbrella-Guy. Is that really the only umbrella you own? That one with the two-metre diameter? I really feel like such an umbrella is inappropriate for a lone ranger on a crowded sidewalk, unless of course he is escorting a lady or a child or maybe a rolly-backpack. But still dude, you drive a Beemer, buy a damn personal umbrella at Bartell's.
Worse than that though are the Awning-Walkers. Hi, Ladies. I notice you each have your own fashionable, personal umbrella. That's nice. How cute. However, I thought it odd that you should choose to walk beneath the awning provided by these lovely office builidngs....did you forget you had an umbrella? You know, that cute little thing you're carrying around, that keeps the rain off you? Which is what it is made for? Why are you walking under the awning? With your umbrella up? Are you made of sugar? Otherwise, Ladies, let me say this: Get the fuck out from under the awning!!!! What really blows my goat is when people walk by with their umbrellas under the awning, and then force umbrella-less me out under the edge of the awning, where the drips collect in pools to be extra-juicy when they finally fall onto your glasses or the precious lit end of your soggy cigarette.
When the awning-walkers and the golf-umbrellars mate, however, is when things get their ugliest. Do not hesitate to give a quick shank in the side to anyone violating both of these rules simultaneously.
22 October 2009
Etiquette for Riding the Bus
Fuck riding the bus. It sucks, but everyone has to do it now and again, especially if you're like me and you're poor, car-less (very different from careless, which I'll get to in a moment), living in the city, or all of the above.
Anyway, we all hate riding the bus. It smells bad, it's usually too crowded, and it's slow-slow-slow. I could walk home in the amount of time it takes a bus to bring me there, but sometimes I'm just too lazy. Riding the bus is a uniquely horrid experience in bringing strangers together - lots of strangers in a hurry, tired, grumpy, what have you - just wanting the bus to bring them home as soon as possible. No one actually wants to be there. Bearing such things in mind, there are a few things that we can all do to make this a slightly less torturous ordeal. Please allow me to explain a series of the more important aspects of bus etiquette, using archetypal examples culled from my many years of bus riding experience.
1. Special Seat Guy
Yeah, hi there, fatty. You, the guy who's sitting comfortably in a seat all to his onesie? Try if you can to become aware of your surroundings. If there is anyone (yes, even that gutter punk) standing, then what the fuck business do you have, enjoying that bench all to yourself? Pick up your fucking backpack off the seat next to you, and slide your fat butt over toward the window, so the tired lady clinging to the bus pole has a place to sit too.
2. Bus Pimp
Why, yes! Not only would I love to "hang out" with you "sometime," but I also really enjoy being hit on to the point of sexual harassment when I'm trapped on a moving vehicle, so, good eye.
3. Speed Demon
We're not all just standing in this specific spot on the sidewalk because it's awesome to watch all the cars go by. No, lady, we're all actually waiting to get on - believe it or not - the same bus as you! So, like, where the fuck is your sense of entitlement coming from that you think you've got permanent firsties? Jeebus, lady! It's really not a race, we're all gonna get on that bus through the same tiny door, and well, if there isn't a seat for you today, it isn't your lucky day. But damned if I'll let your bitch-ass cut me off in the bus line again!
Bus people, you suck. Try and get some manners before you ride my bus again.
Anyway, we all hate riding the bus. It smells bad, it's usually too crowded, and it's slow-slow-slow. I could walk home in the amount of time it takes a bus to bring me there, but sometimes I'm just too lazy. Riding the bus is a uniquely horrid experience in bringing strangers together - lots of strangers in a hurry, tired, grumpy, what have you - just wanting the bus to bring them home as soon as possible. No one actually wants to be there. Bearing such things in mind, there are a few things that we can all do to make this a slightly less torturous ordeal. Please allow me to explain a series of the more important aspects of bus etiquette, using archetypal examples culled from my many years of bus riding experience.
1. Special Seat Guy
Yeah, hi there, fatty. You, the guy who's sitting comfortably in a seat all to his onesie? Try if you can to become aware of your surroundings. If there is anyone (yes, even that gutter punk) standing, then what the fuck business do you have, enjoying that bench all to yourself? Pick up your fucking backpack off the seat next to you, and slide your fat butt over toward the window, so the tired lady clinging to the bus pole has a place to sit too.
2. Bus Pimp
Why, yes! Not only would I love to "hang out" with you "sometime," but I also really enjoy being hit on to the point of sexual harassment when I'm trapped on a moving vehicle, so, good eye.
3. Speed Demon
We're not all just standing in this specific spot on the sidewalk because it's awesome to watch all the cars go by. No, lady, we're all actually waiting to get on - believe it or not - the same bus as you! So, like, where the fuck is your sense of entitlement coming from that you think you've got permanent firsties? Jeebus, lady! It's really not a race, we're all gonna get on that bus through the same tiny door, and well, if there isn't a seat for you today, it isn't your lucky day. But damned if I'll let your bitch-ass cut me off in the bus line again!
Bus people, you suck. Try and get some manners before you ride my bus again.
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