Etiquette for Riding the Bus

Fuck riding the bus. It sucks, but everyone has to do it now and again, especially if you're like me and you're poor, car-less (very different from careless, which I'll get to in a moment), living in the city, or all of the above.
Anyway, we all hate riding the bus. It smells bad, it's usually too crowded, and it's slow-slow-slow. I could walk home in the amount of time it takes a bus to bring me there, but sometimes I'm just too lazy. Riding the bus is a uniquely horrid experience in bringing strangers together - lots of strangers in a hurry, tired, grumpy, what have you - just wanting the bus to bring them home as soon as possible. No one actually wants to be there. Bearing such things in mind, there are a few things that we can all do to make this a slightly less torturous ordeal. Please allow me to explain a series of the more important aspects of bus etiquette, using archetypal examples culled from my many years of bus riding experience.

1. Special Seat Guy
Yeah, hi there, fatty. You, the guy who's sitting comfortably in a seat all to his onesie? Try if you can to become aware of your surroundings. If there is anyone (yes, even that gutter punk) standing, then what the fuck business do you have, enjoying that bench all to yourself? Pick up your fucking backpack off the seat next to you, and slide your fat butt over toward the window, so the tired lady clinging to the bus pole has a place to sit too.

2. Bus Pimp
Why, yes! Not only would I love to "hang out" with you "sometime," but I also really enjoy being hit on to the point of sexual harassment when I'm trapped on a moving vehicle, so, good eye.

3. Speed Demon
We're not all just standing in this specific spot on the sidewalk because it's awesome to watch all the cars go by. No, lady, we're all actually waiting to get on - believe it or not - the same bus as you! So, like, where the fuck is your sense of entitlement coming from that you think you've got permanent firsties? Jeebus, lady! It's really not a race, we're all gonna get on that bus through the same tiny door, and well, if there isn't a seat for you today, it isn't your lucky day. But damned if I'll let your bitch-ass cut me off in the bus line again!

Bus people, you suck. Try and get some manners before you ride my bus again.