YUMmus

Yeah! Alright, I know you know already what this is about from my terrible titular pun. Hummus, dudes.

Did you know that hummus is not only delicious, but also protein-licious? That's right, a nice snack of hummus on veggies and crackers/toasts is well-balanced enough to be a meal! Can't get enough of that plant-based protein...

Hummus at the store is exorbitantly priced, especially when you consider that a can of garbanzo beans goes for about a dollar, and it is pretty much the only ingredient you will have to buy to make hummus. And another thing! Why do the 'flavored' varieties at my local supermarket only ever come in ONE flavor? What if I want garlic AND roasted red peppers, huh? WHAT THEN?

WELL I WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEN.

You make your own goddamn hummus. Because it's easy as hell, because it's super-cheap, because it's better this way. Trust me.

ALSO, I might add, that this recipe requires a FOOD PROCESSOR. Yes, dear friends,I have finally acquired that kitchen gadget that surpasses all others: The Food Processor. In fact, I wanted one SO BADLY that Santa brought me TWO this year! I know! Well, I'm only keeping one, of course, but still....clearly SOMEONE's been reading this blog.

Anyway, now that I have my beloved shiny new Food Processor, (he is a Cuisinart, he is beautiful), I can make all kinds of delightful things, like hummus!


AND SO CAN YOU!


It's easy! You don't even have to cook it.
Simply dump a can or two of garbanzo beans (drained) into the food processor (depends on how much you want), add a few squeezes of lemon juice, and a couple dashes of olive oil (like, maybe 1 tablespoon per can). Then just process the shit out of it until it acquires the creamy smoothness of hummus. And there you have it. It is now hummus. Right? So easy. I'd also suggest tossing in some salt - but only a little, you don't want to overpower it - and maybe some spices. I used red pepper flakes, basil, garlic, and salt & pepper in mine.

Hell yeah! Deliciousness, ho! Now go impress your dinner guests.



just look at how much they love it.

Mold Wine?

Remember when I said that you can get super-cheap wine at Trader Joe's? Well, you knew that. And while Mr. Charles Shaw's private reserve might not be the most impressive of table wines, add a little sugar and spice, and it magically transforms into the most delicious of boozy treats with a gross-sounding name!

So, it's actually MULLED wine, but it's pronounced like Mold. Mulled just means spiced, so all you have to do is dump a bottle of cheap wine in a big pot, put it on medium or med-low (not too hot - you just want to simmer, NO bubbling at all) put in a few teaspoons of brown sugar (I like 3, you might like more or less) and a few pinches of mulling spices.* I recommend red wine, obvs. Then just simmer on the stove for about twenty minutes, and serve warm in mugs! Delightful!

*I awesomely found tinned Mulling Spices at the freakin' drugsto for only 99 cents on sale! Deals! But if you don't have tinned spices, just assemble some cinnamon sticks (2ish), some cardamom seeds, maybe some dried or fresh orange peel (make sure you wash it if it's fresh!!!), some cloves, and perhaps a vanilla bean even. Hell yeah!

I Love Grocery Shopping!

...I really do. I could just browse the aisles for hours finding all the delicious, weird things I might have otherwise overlooked! I could also easily spend over $200 in one go, which is far more than I'd spend on clothes during a single-shop stop. It's difficult to budget oneself and limit whimsical purchases when you are really stoned at the Gro. I mean, it's a challenge, but it's still the best way to go about it. Jeebus, but I love food.
So I live really close to QFC, we're talking four blocks west and one block south...of my apartment. The convenience is not overlooked, mind you - I even found a totally sweet bag-lady cart there! (You know, those square ones with the four wheels that you can fill with stuff...like bag ladies and people in New York use? Yeah, awesome.) But, despite their abundant deli cheese aisle and totally-sweet drug-store and bed/bath/beyond type annexes, they are motherfuckin' EXPENSIVE! Like, damn! I mean, sometimes you'll get a great sale deal, but overall...not so much.
This is why I must talk to you about Trader Joe's! Dudes! It's so fucking cheap! Seriously! I don't know why, but it is. Sadly, it's quite a few more blocks up the road, but I have Melissa's car this week, so I'm a mobile machine! Yeah!! Plus, Trader Joe's has bottles of wine for $3!!! (In WA, at least...thanks, WSLCB! You suck!) But I digress. They also have lots of great cartons of soup bases that are suuuper great and easy for making a soup out of anything. Last night, I cooked a cup of lentils, and added a carton of the TJ's Butternut Squash soup, plus some thawed frozen corn, and viola! It was a delicious, hearty vegan soup! And it was so cheap! Unfortunately, it looked kinda like barf. I added some cumin and curry powder to enhance the squash, and a little salt and pepper and onion powder. (Remember, salt is added last! Or you'll ruin your lentils!!)
You could really add any number of combos to a soup base, even meat if you like it. I think these are tastier and probably better for you than some shitty campbell's canned broth...blech.
Anyway, I am sharing this with you because I totally spent ONLY $100 at TJ's, and I bought a full cart-load of crap!!
I even got some newfangled hippy shitty-litter for Nigel, which I think will help with that whole crumb-bum problem we seem to be having...

Quick and Dirty Eggy "Salad"

Ughh, I haven't been cooking much this week, because I've got the creepin' crud and I feel far too nasty to be cooking anything. And I just feel too dirty to feed my creations to others in good confidence and with a clear conscience.

So, we'll do one of the easy ones...this is a crowd pleaser, ladies and gentleman...at least, it's a man pleaser. Um, well, it's a my-man pleaser. Yeah, my boyfriend, JP, really gets excited about egg salad, and I hope you will too!
Sorry Vegans, there's no egg salad for you.

From the Coop:
-->8 to 10 eggs - more or less depending on how much you want. I find 7 or 8 eggs is enough for at least three sandwiches. (Did I tell you? We're gonna put the egg salad on two slices of toast and call it a sandwich. Optional: add a slice of cheese. This is JP's preferred way.)
-->Mustard! (Just a squirt, any kind will do. Dijon, Grey Poupon, Even Old Skool French's)
-->MAYO! (I know it's horrible, but it's true. You need Mayonnaise. at least 2 tablespoons)
-->Spices, yo! (I'd recommend Paprika, Dill, and a little salt and pepper. You might add a pinch of chili powder for some hotness, too)
-->Don't forget the PICKLES!!! (Ok, you don't have to do this if it's too fancy or you don't like sweet pickles, but I really do so what I like to do is dice up a couple of sweet mini-pickles*, and a couple of sour, too. You want at least 1/4 cup of diced pickles...the smaller the pieces, the better!!) ...Green olives or other pickled veg would also be appropriate, and I know bland people who prefer chopped celery, which is kinda gross.
*I buy mini-pickles, I like them better. I don't know why.

In the Kitchen:
-->Hard-Boil your eggs! This isn't as easy as it sounds, dudes, so just follow these easy instructions. First, fill your pot with cool water and a healthy dose of SALT. Gently set the eggs into the pot, and put it on HIGH. Once the water comes to a rolling boil, set a timer for TWELVE MINUTES and allow eggs to boil. Remove from heat and replace water with cold water, allowing the eggs to cool for about ten minutes, which will make them MUCH easier to peel.
--> Next, is the fun part: Drop your eggs, mustard, mayo, pickles and spices all into a big bowl. I like to just mix mine in a big tupperware, so it's all ready to go into the fridge if we don't eat it all tonight. Then, taking a big spoon or potato masher, SMASH everything up until the eggs are broken into dice-sized chunks and the mayo and mustard and everything else is well-mixed into a nice yellow.
--> Viola. Now go make some toast to put it on.

I Can't Believe it's POT Butter!

...And you won't believe how easy it is to make! Yes, now you too can be an expert at creating tasty treats that will get you high. It is totally awesome, and no smoke is involved, so no one has to know....


So basically, the active molecule of weed, THC, is lipophilic, which means it bonds to fat molecules (lipo = fat, phil = love, so THC loves fat.) For us, this means that in order to infuse our dish with THC WITHOUT having to chew down a bunch of nasty plant bits, we must first create an infusion of butter/futter/oil and weed.

What we do is, we call our guy, and ask him if he has some shake. Shake works nicely because you don't have to grind it, and it is about 1/2 the price of bud. Anyway, you can scale the amount of shake you use to how potent you want your butter to be - I'd say about 3-4 grams of bud OR 6-7 grams of shake per stick (1/2 cup - did you know that a stick of butter equals 1/2 a cup? Now you do) of butter/oil.

So first, we melt our futter. I strongly suggest using margarine instead of actual butter, because margarine won't burn, and it can get complicated to make it using real butter if you want to prevent burnage...I won't get into it today.
Anyway, so oil or futter. I find most brownie boxes (a classic) call for oil, so that is why I am mentioning it here.

So, put the fat in a nice pot and put it on medium-low heat. Once it's melty if it's margarine, dump in the green stuff. Stir occasionally over a period of about 2 hours. If you're in a hurry, you CAN turn the heat up high and super-cook it for a shorter time period (15-20 minutes) but you will end up with a much more weedy-tasting finished product. I highly reccomend the slow-heat.

Once it's done cooking, go ahead and remove from heat and let it sit while you set up the next step. This is where it gets a little hot and dangerous, so kids, don't do this without your mom or dad's help. What your next task is, is to strain from the futter/oil ALL the little green particulate matter that is floating around. Now that it's been cooked, it's useless and should be thrown out - do not smoke it for the love of god. All the good stuff is now in the futter.

So, what we do is, we acquire a good material for straining the butter, and secure it snugly to the opening of whatever receptacle you want to pour the stuff into. Good materials to use to strain the butter include CHEESECLOTH (if you are fancy - but you can get it cheap at the gro,) COFFEE FILTER (if you drink coffee, I guess,) or a CLEAN piece of NYLON PANTYHOSE (Emphasis on the clean). All of these are good because they won't let nary a FIBER of the used-up plant into the receptacle. I use a pyrex measuring cup, and a rubber-band to secure the cheesecloth around the opening. I also suggest pushing a small "dip" into the straining material, so you have a space to pour the liquid into.
Make sure you pour VERY SLOWLY, as it will take time for the oils to drip through the material. It is also very fucking hot at this point, so please be careful.

Once you have strained your oil or butter, it is ready for use! Use just as you would regular butter or oil as is called for in your recipe. Of course, you can always cut with "plain" butter to dilute the potency. Now you can experiment with all kinds of funny foods! Baked Potatos! Stoney Soup! Magic Muffins!
Godspeed, and enjoy.

Fakesgiving

Oooye, it's been a busy week, what with that freakin' holiday and all. I have been so busy buying fucking x-mess gifts, that I haven't had time at all to get experimental in my kitchen.
The good news is, I learned that the easy fruit cobbler (apple, in my case) is SO easy, you can whip that bitch up with a ragin' hangover and have it's hot ass out o' the ov' and into the car in less than an hour! And also that I really needn't have bothered, as everyone else's desserts were store-bought.

Oh, here's a little something to keep you entertained: how about if you made rice crispy treats with...fruity pebbles?! Yeah, you bet your ass it's as exciting as it sounds. If you don't know, all you need for krispy treats is marshmallows, futter, and cereal. Like, a slice or two of butter, a few handfuls of mallow (however much mallow you require, I guess) and melt that shit on medium until it's goo, and then dump in the cereal and use your stronger hand to stir that shit. Then dump it in a pan and press it and let it cool (press it in using well-buttered fingers, this will help a lot and it is also fun to butter your fingers) BUT YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY.

The only thing that changes is the cereal. I also only did about 50-50 krispies and fruities, so it wouldn't be TOO fruity (that shit is HELLA fruity!)

BUT BUT BUUUUUT here comes the best part: I like to add a little special green butter* with these - it only takes about 1 tablespoon - and the fruity pebbles COMPLETELY cover the taste of that funky, funky butter.




*by "special green butter" i am of course referring to a homemade herbal infusion of butter and marijuana....recipe to follow?

OMG guys!! MINI PIZZAS are AWESOME!!!

Dudes! So I was smoking a bowl with my roommate last night, when I got the uncontrollable urge to eat something (very strange and unusual). So I walked into the kitch, went to the cupboard, and suddenly! A bolt of lightening struck just outside the window, followed by the clap of thunder, and it was then that I invented...MINI PIZZAS.

Equip:
~Baking sheet
~Mixing bowl
~Measurin' cups
~cheese grater (don't tell me you don't have one. I got mine at Value Village, and so can you)

Vittles:
~Easy Biscuits (See "Hobo Hot Pockets" - flour, salt, baking soda, futter, milk - I use soy)
~Pizza sauce
~Cheese, please
~Pizza toppins!
~Oregano

OK, So I didn't invent them at all, I just devised a new cheap/easy way to make em!

Anyway, remember the cheesy biscuits? You might remember them better as "Hobo Hot Pockets," but anyway, remember when we made those? This is another delicious variant on those, so to make mini pizzas, just whip up a batch of those biscuits.

NOW, with a lot of flour on your hands, separate small golf-ball sized blobs of dough and knead them a bit, then flatten them out on a baking sheet so they are nice and round and about 1/4 inch thick. You know, like how a disc of uncooked pizza dough looks, only smaller. For that oh-so-authentic taste/texture, you could also sprinkle a little corn meal on your baking sheet so it coats the bottom of the crust. Awwe, yeah!

THEN, you pour some pizza sauce on there. You can really use whatever - the ghetto-est among us might use that leftover can of pasta sauce sitting in the back of the fridge. Others among us (myself) might be a bit more of a sauce-snob, and so would use one of the many cheap, pre-packaged options your grocery has to offer you - they are all pretty good but I like the Boboli brand - I've never been to a store that didn't have it.

OK, then I like to shake on a lil' oregano if you got it, because then it has that nice pizza-herby smell, and the little green flakes make it look fancier.

Then, sprinkle on some shredded cheese of whatever variety you have/like. I used cheddar, because that's all I had, but I suppose ideally you'd want Mozzarella...
However, if you wanna make these babies vegan (the biscuits are vegan if you use margarine and soy milk), just cook them with the sauce and other toppings, and about 2 minutes before you take em out of the oven, sprinkle some nutritional yeast** on top!

Anyway, also this would be the time to put on any other toppings you might have lying around, maybe a tin of sliced black olives, some frozen sliced mushrooms, or a package of pepperoni even!

Once it's all topped, pop those suckers in the oven at 400 degrees, and bake for 12ish minutes (more or less depending on the hotness of your oven...some ovens are shittier than others).

Let them cool before you eat them, they are motherfawkin' HOT!!!

*a word about nutritional yeast: I know you're thinkin it sounds gross, but it's really not. You can get it in the bulk aisle for retardedly cheap! It's a yellow flaky substance that is rich in B-Vitamins and has a cheesy flavour. It is actually pretty good. Don't be afraid.