Ghetto-Licious

Current Obsessions

2011-08-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hair is the new Feathers: making things out of human hair extensions. Makes a great feathery-effect for the vegans in the house.

Barbie Bonanza: The boy offered me and the queens a tutorial on using the Dremel that made me feel like I was back in highschool shop class: "Now, I know this looks like a pretty dainty little tool, but this blade (taps blade) is strong enough to cut through steel pipe, so it can definitely take off a finger." (Followed by horrified, queeny gasps.) Also, a pair of fake glasses of the nerdy "wayfarer" style make an excellent pair of safety goggles in a pinch. Don't use power tools without them! Protects your eyes and makes you appear to be an expert. Win-win, I'd say.

Sawing Barbie's arms off was tough work, it was quite a bit easier to drill the holes that would make them beads. Now....what to do with all these Barbie arms?

Vegan Egg Salad!

2011-06-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

YES! It can be done!

In the few months since I've last bothered to waste my time writing this blog, I have figured out how to make vegan egg salad that will fool even the staunchest anti-tofucians.

Anyway, it's pretty much exactly the same as regular egg salad, only instead of eggs, use medium (NOT silken - it's too soft) tofu! I added a bit of saffron to make it yellow, because I am fancy and I have it in the kitchen. Turmeric or food dye would work just as well, and it completes the illusion by giving the tofu a yolky tinge.

However! There is a SECRET INGREDIENT! You must acquire some Indian Black Salt, also called Kala Namak. It is a somewhat hard-to-find condiment, popular in Indian dishes. It comes as a reddish-pink powder or rocks, and contains a number of sulfur salts, which make the salt taste and smell like a hard-boiled egg, I swear!! A bit funky at first (I like to call it "fart salt"), you really can't make a convincing fake egg salad without it. It's a strong flavor though, and not much is needed.
I get mine at a wee Indian grocery at Pike Market called The Souk, where they sell it for $1.80 for two ounces. Vegans! Go buy some, use it on everything.

Now, to make:
Combine your brick of medium tofu into a bowl with a few spoons of vegannaise - as much as you like, I prefer LOTS - and simply stir it all up with your selected spices, and about 1/2 tsp of black salt. It should come out with a slightly chunky texture that looks like the real thing!
Typical egg salad spices include paprika, dill, and black pepper; I also think you can't go wrong with a bit of sweet pickle relish or a chopped up spicy pickle - whichever suits your fancy.

Put this stuff on toast and enjoy! Egg salad for all!

Better Living Through Chemistry

2011-03-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

SO...I like to make a lot of things, not just food.

Food is pretty awesome, but a lot of times I will forget about it when I am doing other things. So, I was thinking, if you don't think it's a "New Coke" idea, that I'd like to change things up here a teensy bit at GhettoLicious, and expand to encompass my entire world of making-shit-on-the-cheap.
I promise to uphold my thematic torch of making all kinds of things that are surprisingly easy and far cheaper than their store-bought counterparts, without looking like a cheap, handmade knockoff (ideally).

So, what do we think? Is this an OK idea?
Or do you want to start a riot now?

Variations on a Theme: Sweet Potatoes.

2011-01-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

So, I don't know if I've posted it or not, but my grandma makes this delicious, total-heart-attack sweet potato casserole every Thanksgiving that's always the (other) highlight of my meal...(I cannot discount my one true love, stuffing).

She makes it with butter, sweet potatoes, crushed walnuts and a buttload of brown sugar. It's effin' delicious, but you just can't eat it every day. Anyway, I decided to make my own, slightly less sweet version to go with a little simple dinner of wild rice (microwave packet from Mom was -surprise!- totally delicious) and wilted spinach, which was purchased with E's food stamps...awesome.

To digress, I don't know what it is about wilted spinach, but I fucking *love* it. I mean, I'll go back for thirds. But it has to have balsamic vinegar on it. I hate fresh spinach (it doesn't CRUNCH the way I want my lettuce to crunch, ok?), but steamed for a bit and splashed with balsamic? Ohhh, yeahhh. My sisters and I used to seriously look forward to wilted spinach as kids. Weird, I know.

ANYHOO...so, I had a few yams and a few sweet potatoes, so I cut 'em in halves and threw 'em in a pot of boiling water for tenish minutes. (This is called blanching, kids, and it's really important otherwise your potatoes will be too hard and won't cook right).
Once blanched, I cooled the potatoes slightly and sliced them into about 1-cm thick slices, which I arranged in a lovely pattern in order to properly mix the yams and sweeties. You can do whatever you want - go ahead, make it ugly. I don't care.

Where G-ma sprinkles butter and liberal amounts of brown sugar between each layer of potatoes, I drizzled a small amount of futter and a very small pinch of brown sugar, coupled with a chopped yeller' onion and some basil flakes.

I was finished after about four layers (I believe I used 4 potatoes to start). Then, I popped the bad boy in the oven on about 375 degrees, and left it for....about half an hour, until the potatoes start to lose form and get soft enough to cut with a spoon.

So, a slightly less bad-for-you version of G-ma's special Thanksgiving Coronary Surprise! Deliciousness!

Making Up Cookies/You can't call fake eggs "Feggs"

2010-12-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

Alright now, I've been cooking up a storm and need to get some of this out there.

My new favesies thing to do is making up cookies. I'm sure you've all read the staple blog-entry "Best Ever Cookies," and if not, I'd like to see you after class.

Already knee-deep in my vegan cooking adventures, I still hadn't really gotten around to making some vegan cookies that everyone can enjoy. And so I embarked upon an odyssey of trial and error, sampling a variety of lovely egg-substitutes in my perennial favorite cookie recipe, and trying to get the formula just right.

Obviously, one has quite a bit of leeway when it comes to flavoring your cookies from this super basic recipe....add cinnamon and clove instead of vanilla, perhaps, or substitute half the flour for some oats....

Unfortunately for everyone involved, I didn't bother to measure any of the ingredients in my recent experimentations, thusly all measurements are approximate, and if you don't know what texture/consistency cookie dough should be in when it's ready to be cooked, then maybe you should skip this post (it should be about the consistency of play-doh.)

ANYWAY, my fave thing about vegan egg-substitooties is that the are usually fruit, and this makes me feel like my cookie is more than just a cookie....if I add a few raisins or oats, it's totally breakfast-worthy, right? Right? Except let's put something less gross than raisins....how about dried cranberries and shredded coconut? That's some fiber and shit, so that's good.

Egg Substitutes are a tricky thing...generally eggs' purpose in baking is as a binder, (they provide moisture and viscosity so that your dry ingreeds can become a dough) and the fluff-factor is not effected by their presence. What is crucial is to achieve the perfect dough-texture, and to remember that the average egg is at best 1/2 cup of liquid, so don't go overboard with the substitutes! Anyway, I know you're freaked out by those processed egg-substitutes, so I have tested a variety of totally natural and non-mysterious replacements in my kitchen-lab, and will hereby provide for you my scientifical observations for your edification.

My choices of egg substitute were as follows;
-Apple Sauce (the obvious option, apple sauce has a nice, mild flavor that doesn't interfere. Unfortch it is pretty wet, so you have to be verrrry careful about controlling the amount of moisture in your dough)

-Pumpkin Puree! (Like the kind you use to make pumpkin pie....i think this has the best texture/wetness and I'm obsessed with pumpkin flavored baked goods, so I like this a lot...works best with holiday-type spices, whatever that means to you, and makes a super-swell breakfast cookie

-Smashed Banana! (Another typical option, since duh, you use it to make banana bread so it has to work, right? OK so it does work, but bananas are not only motherfucking sticky as hell, but they taste strongly of banana. They're a good option if you want to taste a lot of banana, though I would recommend a splash of soy milk, since the more nanner you add, the sticker this sombitch is going to get, and the harder time you'll have just scraping it out of the food processor. So, maybe 2 parts banana to 1 part milk if you go this option.)

-Coconut Butter! (Last but certainly not least is my favourite. Coconut butter is just pureed coconut meat - some varieties also add some coconut oil back to the mix, others not. Naturally, this one is also the most expensive, difficult to find, and fatty, but if you can find it, it's fantastic for cookies....very light, creamy taste that doesn't interfere except to enhance richness, and a little goes a long way. This stuff also needs a little help from the soy milk. Possibly a little drier than the banana, but again, one should be eyeballing for a particular texture...)

So, there you have my inconclusive results! I've had happy luck with all the egg substitutes listed, and hopefully you will too...

Ghetto Po'

2010-10-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yes! My favorite most delicious chocobomb dessert, so easy a retarded baby monkey could make it.

It's actually called "Pot du'Creme" which is French, so the "t" isn't really pronounced at the end of the "pot"....so, I call it "po."

SO, making po is really easy and it can be vegan or not vegan. Kinda whatever.

Equip yourself with a blender and a collection of about six tiny cups.
Purchase a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips (honestly, any flavor you like of chips is fine. You could use white chips, you could use milk chocolate, you could even use mint chips, which would be gross, but it's your po', not mine, and I'm cool with whatever you want to do. Hell, get fancy and make a double-layered po!) and gather a cup of cream or cream/milk substitute. A shot of triple-sec or rum if you have it is awesome, otherwise, add another splash of milk. You might also like some vanilla extract in there, but it's not utterly necessary.
For my guinea pigs, I used Silk soy creamer and semi-sweet chocolate chips.

So, put the chips and booze into the blender. Microwave the milk until it's scalding hot, like, about to burn you.
Pour into blender, and using caution (like maybe put a towel on the lid in case it splashes because you have your grandma's old shitty blender and the milk is real hot and you don't want it on you) quickly blend until smooth. This should be really quick, as the milk melts the chocolate (this is why CHIPS is important...small pieces melt quicker)

Pour the molten chocolava into the tiny cups you have set aside (really, a shot will do of this stuff...I used japanese tea bowls, they were the perfect size). Set in fridge for half an hour. When it comes out it'll be the most decadent, rich, chocomousse of your life. And your friends will seriously piss their pants with awe.

Roasted Sweet Pepper and Onion Crostini

2010-10-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

ZOMG! I finally cooked something new and exciting, and completely forgot to document it's preparation and it's glorious finale. I am really kicking myself for this one...I guess it means I'll have to make it again!

Anyway, so you know, Crostini is just Italian for "little toasts," and then, of course, you put things on them. So, we started with a baguette, and sliced it up into little toasts. Lovely.

Next, for the topping, you will need:
* Sweet peppers (I used mini's because I had a bag of them in my fridge about to go all wrinkly...they were red, yellow, AND orange, and totally beautiful. I recommend all three for maximum visual enjoyment)- chop into thin strips.
* Approximately half a yellow or white onion - also sliced thin.
* About a jar of capers (don't knock it. they are delicious. they are my favourite. they are expensive, so this one's not really so ghetto, but honestly, I happened to have all this stuff just sitting around my house and I'm the kind of person who buys capers and keeps them in the fridge, so there ya go)
* A few cloves of fresh garlic, pressed (Oh my god, one of Mike's patients gave him garlic from her garden...we used it in the roasted peppers and it was the best garlic I have ever tasted. No, seriously. It was intense.)
* ANYWAY, you will also need olive oil and sea salt (I just like it better because it's chunky. And that makes it feel fancy. To me. Don't judge.)

In a casserole/baking dish (mine was about 8x9 inch porcelain dish) toss all the above ingredients into a nice, even melange. You should have approximately an inch-deep layer of onions and peppers, with a liberal drizzle of olive oil over the top, capers throughout. A light shake of salt should do it.

Put it in the oven at about 400 degrees for about 20-30 minutes, checking to make sure you haven't baked it into mush. (Honestly, I baked it on 350 for what seemed like at least 40 minutes, but I was stoned so I can't be completely certain. Anyway, I think it could be bumped up in temperature a bit and it would bring down the cook-time with little damage, so let's go with that.) It should be sizzling and just starting to brown on the edges of the pan when you pull it out of the oven.

I just put the whole pan on the table with the toasts and some forks to apply the topping....you can dress the toasts individually if you want, but I don't particularly recommend it because I think it would become soggy with the olive oil.

AAaaand, that's it! Totally vegan, totally beautiful, and totally delicious...
go forth and impress.

KEENoa salad

2010-08-06T07:58:00.001-07:00

...ugh, I'm sorry about that title.

ANYWAY. Last night for dinner we made a delicious cold quinoa salad. Much like a pasta salad, you can pretty much put whatever is kinda bite-sized and tastes good cold in it.

So, got home from work and it was HOT so I threw a pot of red quinoa on the stove to cook and ignored it, then when it was done cooking, i took it off the heat and just left it on the stove to cool off. Quinoa keeps really well, and by the way, it is also a full protein so this is actually a full meal.

We put some pickled beets, since I am obsessed with them, and shredded 'em in the food processor (o Cuisinart, my Cuisinart)
Frozen peas & spinach, and before you say ew, just don't. We thawed that shit out, and mixed all the little bits in and it wasn't at all like a big slimy blob of spinach but like lovely little green confetti all throughout.
ANYWAY.
Also, I put some dried cherries in there, because - delicious! And, I had them in the cupboard.

I dressed it all with a light olive oil/balsamic vinegar combo and some rock salt, and viola! Dinner for all. Also, it came out a delightful bright red with green throughout - very holiday-licious if you ask me. If you're into themed/coloured foods but maybe not into red #40 (CANCER!!!)...

And breakfast for me.

Health Elixir

2010-07-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the airing of one's dirty laundry over various internet outlets really grates me. Especially when you know how one-sided it is. But then, what's a LiveJournal for, eh? I suppose I should simply "unfollow," though it seems it might not be as simple as all that if Goose is to be belived. And I think he is.

Anyway, in the spirit of curmudgeonliness (yes it is a word, I just made it up. I am like unto Shakespeare and Sarah Palin) I shall share another simple drink recipe. This one's good for the sickly, in honor of Miz O'holic as she attempts to ward off her boyfriend's nasty germs. (Yes, that's right! Alcohol for the ill! What's in a name, anyway?)

Basically, you put EmergenC in some Vodka. Ok, well, I also add a splash of cranberry juice, and I like to use the raspberry flavored E.C. because it's my favorite, and the cranberry covers the weird taste a bit. Also, it is fizzy!

That's it.

Much like the Blue Drink, this delight both creates and cures a hangover!

Blue Drink

2010-07-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

Blue Drink + Pizza = Party Fuel

My new, ghetto-fabulous obsession is my Pride Weekend cocktail masterpiece, creatively dubbed "Blue Drink." The best part is, it is fabulously easy to make and if you buy the little kids' style blue fruit-flavored beverage, well then you get vitamins too! It's pretty much a hangover maker and cure in one fucking glass. And it's blue.

SO blue.

Anyway, all it consists of is Vodka (about a jigger, I'd wager), blue, and a splash of lemonade. The lemonade is what really brings it all together, not to mention giving the blue drink a nice cloudy appearance that makes it look a bit less like Kool-Aid and more like you are an adult and you are enjoying a glass of alcoholic Kool-Aid.

Yeah dudes. Blue drink. You know what I mean. Find that shit at RiteAid and buy a huge bottle for a dollar and go ahead and let your friends laugh and be disgusted that you bought a big bottle of blue-dyed sugar water, for when they taste the blue drink....the last laugh will most certainly be yours.

Please enjoy these photos of my lovely models, exhibiting their blue drink fashions. Beautiful people drink blue drink.

Caution: drinking blue drink has been known to cause melty backgrounds and blurred vision.

Whore's Pasta!

2010-05-17T08:31:00.001-07:00

I didn't take any pictures of this culinary adventure, because, well, it just looks like pasta and red sauce. Also, it's so easy you don't need pictures. You can do it, I believe in you.

Pasta Puttanesca, or Whore's Pasta, is really just...red sauce with whatever you have lying around the house, plus some capers.

What I happened to have lying around was a jar of Trader Joe's tomato-basil marinara. Usually, I hate canned spaghetti sauce. It's just gross. I don't know why, but I bought this stuff anyway, hoping I could put my trust in TJ's good taste. Thankfully, I was mostly right...it was okay, but I decided I had better use it anyway, so I added shit to it.
Here is the shit I added to it:
Capers! Lots and lots of capers.
A few glugs of Charles Shaw's finest Cab Sav (thanks again, TJ's) - I am classy like that.
Carrots cut into little wheels (the only veggies I had in the kitch! Some green shit would work nice, too - be creative)
Vegan Sausages
Hella fresh herbs - yes, I am fancy. Oregano, Rosemary, and Fresh garlic.

Soooo, I just put all that crap in a sauce pan on medium and let it sorta cook down until it wasn't so wine-y and the frozen sausages had cooked and so had the carrots - probably about 20-25 minutes.
Meanwhile I was boiling pasta so that shit could all be ready at the same time.
Put sauce on pasta, impress friends.

OH yeah! I also made some super easy (vegan) garlic bread. Just took one of those take-and-bake $.99 baguettes from the gro, slice in half, and slather margarine on both sides.
Mince up some more garlic, but make sure you make it REALLY SMALL! And spread it on one side of the bread. Chop up some herbies if you like, I put more rosemary and oregano. Then, put the two halves of bread back together, wrap the loaf in tin foil, put it in the oven at around 400 for about 15 minutes, and viola! Home made garlic bread. You are fancy.

Tuber Stew!!!

2010-03-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

WOW! I completely suck balls at blogging, obviously. So, I haven't been that sad in the last couple of months, it's just that work has been so busy that I haven't been blogging, but OH! Have I been cooking.

All winter we obsessed about making a big old root stew, and finally, we harnessed our soup-making powers and found two frozen beets in the back of the fridge (yes, the fridge - I have THAT kind of icebox, the kind that is warm in front and everything in back is frozen, so it's awesome) created a beautiful bring pink stew!!

So, currently obsessed with root vegetables, and what better time to enjoy them than NOW while they're actually in season!?!?!

Okay, this is retarded easy to make.
To begin, assemble your roots and chop those bitches. We used a golden and a red beet, a couple of sweet potatoes, and delightfully, a turnip! All coarsely chopped into nice, big soup chunks.
Then, take your big soup tureen and dump a can of diced/chopped/stewed/what ever is in the house TOMATOES, and dump them into your pot. Add an additional couple of cans of water, to have as much broth as you like - remember that the veggies are going to soak some of it up.
So, put your big pot of tomato water on the burner, and let it heat up to a good steamy medium-high. At this point, toss your beets and turnip in. After about five to ten minutes, toss the potatoes. I know it seems wrong but darn if the sweet pots don't cook a whole lot faster than the beets.
Beets are fucking hard as rocks.
Anyway.
After dumping in your tubers(!) you can start adding spices and shit to build your broth. I tossed in a liberal amounts of garlic powder, onion powder (I'm Klassy! And cheap!) basil, rosemary, salt, pepper, and lovely paprika and chili powder. (We like it spicy. You can be a pussy if you want though). This way we don't use bullion and our lovely vegan friends can enjoy dinner with us.
OH yeah. Then I also put in a can of garbanzo beans, because I found them in the cupboard, and was feeling a bit hummus'd out, if you know what I mean. Also, PROTEIN!

And after a nice long, hot, steamy bath of about half an hour (or as soon as your beets are cooked enough - they won't get as soft as the potatoes, they should have a bit of resistance to them). And viola!! Delicious, delicious, bright and beautiful root stew.
Eat it with toast! Delicious!

It's hard to cook when you're sad.

2010-02-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

So, Hi friends. I got dumped juuuust a few days over a month ago, so that's why I never posted a single thing all through-out January. I was simply too depressed to eat, and too depressed to cook. I did, however, do a lot of drinking. I also learned a few things during my pathetic attempts to conjure up something edible on the stove through tears. Please, allow me to share some of them with you. But before that, let me share my new favourite song, which pretty much sums up exactly how I feel right now. Thank you, pop music.

When I met you, I was just a kid
Hadn't built up my defenses
So I gave my heart completely
Vaseline over the lenses

Memories don't go away
I remember every day

I never, ever stop wondering
Wondering if you still think of us
I don't need a photograph
Because you've never left my mind
No, you've never left my mind

I remember feeling like a ship
Whose captain was too drunk to steer
And you watched as I was sinking
Waving sadly from the pier

Memories don't go away
I remember every day

I never, ever stop wondering
Wondering if you still think of us
I don't need a photograph
Because you've never left my mind
No, you've never left my mind

It's such a burden to carry around
The vestiges of dead dreams
And I don't want to make a wake out of my life
I just have to let you go

Nice, right?

So, here's what we learned in the past few weeks: A 7-cup capacity Cuisinart does not have enough space for a double-batch of our favourite easy-ass cookies. (Did you know they can go in the Cuisinart? It's actually a Cuisinart recipe, and it's so easy to do when you don't have to mix anything by hand!) Anyway, on top of that, we also learned that the blades of the brand-new Cuisinart are VERY, verrrryyyyyy sharp. So sharp, in fact, that whilst you are stirring your over-flowing batch of cookie dough with your soft rubber spatula, you may accidentally cut off chunks from the spatula, and not knowing this, proceed to blend them right up into the cookies. So, I'm sorry if anyone dies of some kind of plastic toxicity or poops out a chunk of rubber. This is my fault.

So, but back to the Drinking. Yes. You knew we'd get here. We're even gonna do a little recipe.
Well, did you know that Everclear is now legal to sell in Washington? Yes kids, that's right! Now, we don't get any kind of 190-proof moonshine in these parts (a tragedy for sure) but you CAN buy 150-proof (75%) pure grain alcohol, aka Everclear. So, since it smells and tastes like a cocktail of rubbing alcohol and nailpolish remover, we don't want to drink it straight. Thus, we use the high-proof alcohol to mane an infusion!
Yes! Now, if you are a little bit classier than me or have a bit more skrilla to spare, you can always buy a nice quality high-proof vodka or some 151 rum, just so long as you have at least 75% alcohol - we need all the alcohol we can get to make our infusion just right.
What, exactly, are we infusing?
I'm really glad you asked.
We are going to recycle in a way all hippies would be proud of!
You remember all those pot-stems you've been saving, for no real reason, but you feel like there's just got to be a bit of meat left on those bones? Well, good think you saved them, because there is, and we're gonna make broth. Hell yeah. Gross analogy. Sorry.
So taking our little bundle of branches, and a generous donation of trim (you know - leaves and such, the non-smokable parts), we shoved them into the bottle of everclear and closed the lid.
Then, we let it sit. For two weeks.
When we finally did crack it open, the everclear had taken on a rich, dark green hue. Viola! We have Green Dragon :)
We poured it into shot glasses and took some throat-burning drams. The stuff tastes like pure "getting high," my taste-testers declared. It also gets you instantly drunk, and progressively stoned. So, awesome.
I recommend mixing yourself a shot with a little juice or flavored liquer, to cut the harshness...we are working on a Weed-tini, recipes to come!
Enjoy responsibly, kids.

YUMmus

2010-01-13T14:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah! Alright, I know you know already what this is about from my terrible titular pun. Hummus, dudes.

Did you know that hummus is not only delicious, but also protein-licious? That's right, a nice snack of hummus on veggies and crackers/toasts is well-balanced enough to be a meal! Can't get enough of that plant-based protein...

Hummus at the store is exorbitantly priced, especially when you consider that a can of garbanzo beans goes for about a dollar, and it is pretty much the only ingredient you will have to buy to make hummus. And another thing! Why do the 'flavored' varieties at my local supermarket only ever come in ONE flavor? What if I want garlic AND roasted red peppers, huh? WHAT THEN?

WELL I WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEN.

You make your own goddamn hummus. Because it's easy as hell, because it's super-cheap, because it's better this way. Trust me.

ALSO, I might add, that this recipe requires a FOOD PROCESSOR. Yes, dear friends,I have finally acquired that kitchen gadget that surpasses all others: The Food Processor. In fact, I wanted one SO BADLY that Santa brought me TWO this year! I know! Well, I'm only keeping one, of course, but still....clearly SOMEONE's been reading this blog.

Anyway, now that I have my beloved shiny new Food Processor, (he is a Cuisinart, he is beautiful), I can make all kinds of delightful things, like hummus!

AND SO CAN YOU!

It's easy! You don't even have to cook it.
Simply dump a can or two of garbanzo beans (drained) into the food processor (depends on how much you want), add a few squeezes of lemon juice, and a couple dashes of olive oil (like, maybe 1 tablespoon per can). Then just process the shit out of it until it acquires the creamy smoothness of hummus. And there you have it. It is now hummus. Right? So easy. I'd also suggest tossing in some salt - but only a little, you don't want to overpower it - and maybe some spices. I used red pepper flakes, basil, garlic, and salt & pepper in mine.

Hell yeah! Deliciousness, ho! Now go impress your dinner guests.

just look at how much they love it.

Mold Wine?

2009-12-28T10:30:00.000-08:00

Remember when I said that you can get super-cheap wine at Trader Joe's? Well, you knew that. And while Mr. Charles Shaw's private reserve might not be the most impressive of table wines, add a little sugar and spice, and it magically transforms into the most delicious of boozy treats with a gross-sounding name!

So, it's actually MULLED wine, but it's pronounced like Mold. Mulled just means spiced, so all you have to do is dump a bottle of cheap wine in a big pot, put it on medium or med-low (not too hot - you just want to simmer, NO bubbling at all) put in a few teaspoons of brown sugar (I like 3, you might like more or less) and a few pinches of mulling spices.* I recommend red wine, obvs. Then just simmer on the stove for about twenty minutes, and serve warm in mugs! Delightful!

*I awesomely found tinned Mulling Spices at the freakin' drugsto for only 99 cents on sale! Deals! But if you don't have tinned spices, just assemble some cinnamon sticks (2ish), some cardamom seeds, maybe some dried or fresh orange peel (make sure you wash it if it's fresh!!!), some cloves, and perhaps a vanilla bean even. Hell yeah!

I Love Grocery Shopping!

2009-12-28T10:19:00.000-08:00

...I really do. I could just browse the aisles for hours finding all the delicious, weird things I might have otherwise overlooked! I could also easily spend over $200 in one go, which is far more than I'd spend on clothes during a single-shop stop. It's difficult to budget oneself and limit whimsical purchases when you are really stoned at the Gro. I mean, it's a challenge, but it's still the best way to go about it. Jeebus, but I love food.
So I live really close to QFC, we're talking four blocks west and one block south...of my apartment. The convenience is not overlooked, mind you - I even found a totally sweet bag-lady cart there! (You know, those square ones with the four wheels that you can fill with stuff...like bag ladies and people in New York use? Yeah, awesome.) But, despite their abundant deli cheese aisle and totally-sweet drug-store and bed/bath/beyond type annexes, they are motherfuckin' EXPENSIVE! Like, damn! I mean, sometimes you'll get a great sale deal, but overall...not so much.
This is why I must talk to you about Trader Joe's! Dudes! It's so fucking cheap! Seriously! I don't know why, but it is. Sadly, it's quite a few more blocks up the road, but I have Melissa's car this week, so I'm a mobile machine! Yeah!! Plus, Trader Joe's has bottles of wine for $3!!! (In WA, at least...thanks, WSLCB! You suck!) But I digress. They also have lots of great cartons of soup bases that are suuuper great and easy for making a soup out of anything. Last night, I cooked a cup of lentils, and added a carton of the TJ's Butternut Squash soup, plus some thawed frozen corn, and viola! It was a delicious, hearty vegan soup! And it was so cheap! Unfortunately, it looked kinda like barf. I added some cumin and curry powder to enhance the squash, and a little salt and pepper and onion powder. (Remember, salt is added last! Or you'll ruin your lentils!!)
You could really add any number of combos to a soup base, even meat if you like it. I think these are tastier and probably better for you than some shitty campbell's canned broth...blech.
Anyway, I am sharing this with you because I totally spent ONLY $100 at TJ's, and I bought a full cart-load of crap!!
I even got some newfangled hippy shitty-litter for Nigel, which I think will help with that whole crumb-bum problem we seem to be having...

Quick and Dirty Eggy "Salad"

2009-12-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

Ughh, I haven't been cooking much this week, because I've got the creepin' crud and I feel far too nasty to be cooking anything. And I just feel too dirty to feed my creations to others in good confidence and with a clear conscience.

So, we'll do one of the easy ones...this is a crowd pleaser, ladies and gentleman...at least, it's a man pleaser. Um, well, it's a my-man pleaser. Yeah, my boyfriend, JP, really gets excited about egg salad, and I hope you will too!
Sorry Vegans, there's no egg salad for you.

From the Coop:
-->8 to 10 eggs - more or less depending on how much you want. I find 7 or 8 eggs is enough for at least three sandwiches. (Did I tell you? We're gonna put the egg salad on two slices of toast and call it a sandwich. Optional: add a slice of cheese. This is JP's preferred way.)
-->Mustard! (Just a squirt, any kind will do. Dijon, Grey Poupon, Even Old Skool French's)
-->MAYO! (I know it's horrible, but it's true. You need Mayonnaise. at least 2 tablespoons)
-->Spices, yo! (I'd recommend Paprika, Dill, and a little salt and pepper. You might add a pinch of chili powder for some hotness, too)
-->Don't forget the PICKLES!!! (Ok, you don't have to do this if it's too fancy or you don't like sweet pickles, but I really do so what I like to do is dice up a couple of sweet mini-pickles*, and a couple of sour, too. You want at least 1/4 cup of diced pickles...the smaller the pieces, the better!!) ...Green olives or other pickled veg would also be appropriate, and I know bland people who prefer chopped celery, which is kinda gross.
*I buy mini-pickles, I like them better. I don't know why.

In the Kitchen:
-->Hard-Boil your eggs! This isn't as easy as it sounds, dudes, so just follow these easy instructions. First, fill your pot with cool water and a healthy dose of SALT. Gently set the eggs into the pot, and put it on HIGH. Once the water comes to a rolling boil, set a timer for TWELVE MINUTES and allow eggs to boil. Remove from heat and replace water with cold water, allowing the eggs to cool for about ten minutes, which will make them MUCH easier to peel.
--> Next, is the fun part: Drop your eggs, mustard, mayo, pickles and spices all into a big bowl. I like to just mix mine in a big tupperware, so it's all ready to go into the fridge if we don't eat it all tonight. Then, taking a big spoon or potato masher, SMASH everything up until the eggs are broken into dice-sized chunks and the mayo and mustard and everything else is well-mixed into a nice yellow.
--> Viola. Now go make some toast to put it on.

I Can't Believe it's POT Butter!

2009-12-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

...And you won't believe how easy it is to make! Yes, now you too can be an expert at creating tasty treats that will get you high. It is totally awesome, and no smoke is involved, so no one has to know....

So basically, the active molecule of weed, THC, is lipophilic, which means it bonds to fat molecules (lipo = fat, phil = love, so THC loves fat.) For us, this means that in order to infuse our dish with THC WITHOUT having to chew down a bunch of nasty plant bits, we must first create an infusion of butter/futter/oil and weed.

What we do is, we call our guy, and ask him if he has some shake. Shake works nicely because you don't have to grind it, and it is about 1/2 the price of bud. Anyway, you can scale the amount of shake you use to how potent you want your butter to be - I'd say about 3-4 grams of bud OR 6-7 grams of shake per stick (1/2 cup - did you know that a stick of butter equals 1/2 a cup? Now you do) of butter/oil.

So first, we melt our futter. I strongly suggest using margarine instead of actual butter, because margarine won't burn, and it can get complicated to make it using real butter if you want to prevent burnage...I won't get into it today.
Anyway, so oil or futter. I find most brownie boxes (a classic) call for oil, so that is why I am mentioning it here.

So, put the fat in a nice pot and put it on medium-low heat. Once it's melty if it's margarine, dump in the green stuff. Stir occasionally over a period of about 2 hours. If you're in a hurry, you CAN turn the heat up high and super-cook it for a shorter time period (15-20 minutes) but you will end up with a much more weedy-tasting finished product. I highly reccomend the slow-heat.

Once it's done cooking, go ahead and remove from heat and let it sit while you set up the next step. This is where it gets a little hot and dangerous, so kids, don't do this without your mom or dad's help. What your next task is, is to strain from the futter/oil ALL the little green particulate matter that is floating around. Now that it's been cooked, it's useless and should be thrown out - do not smoke it for the love of god. All the good stuff is now in the futter.

So, what we do is, we acquire a good material for straining the butter, and secure it snugly to the opening of whatever receptacle you want to pour the stuff into. Good materials to use to strain the butter include CHEESECLOTH (if you are fancy - but you can get it cheap at the gro,) COFFEE FILTER (if you drink coffee, I guess,) or a CLEAN piece of NYLON PANTYHOSE (Emphasis on the clean). All of these are good because they won't let nary a FIBER of the used-up plant into the receptacle. I use a pyrex measuring cup, and a rubber-band to secure the cheesecloth around the opening. I also suggest pushing a small "dip" into the straining material, so you have a space to pour the liquid into.
Make sure you pour VERY SLOWLY, as it will take time for the oils to drip through the material. It is also very fucking hot at this point, so please be careful.

Once you have strained your oil or butter, it is ready for use! Use just as you would regular butter or oil as is called for in your recipe. Of course, you can always cut with "plain" butter to dilute the potency. Now you can experiment with all kinds of funny foods! Baked Potatos! Stoney Soup! Magic Muffins!
Godspeed, and enjoy.

Fakesgiving

2009-11-30T12:56:00.000-08:00

Oooye, it's been a busy week, what with that freakin' holiday and all. I have been so busy buying fucking x-mess gifts, that I haven't had time at all to get experimental in my kitchen.
The good news is, I learned that the easy fruit cobbler (apple, in my case) is SO easy, you can whip that bitch up with a ragin' hangover and have it's hot ass out o' the ov' and into the car in less than an hour! And also that I really needn't have bothered, as everyone else's desserts were store-bought.

Oh, here's a little something to keep you entertained: how about if you made rice crispy treats with...fruity pebbles?! Yeah, you bet your ass it's as exciting as it sounds. If you don't know, all you need for krispy treats is marshmallows, futter, and cereal. Like, a slice or two of butter, a few handfuls of mallow (however much mallow you require, I guess) and melt that shit on medium until it's goo, and then dump in the cereal and use your stronger hand to stir that shit. Then dump it in a pan and press it and let it cool (press it in using well-buttered fingers, this will help a lot and it is also fun to butter your fingers) BUT YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY.

The only thing that changes is the cereal. I also only did about 50-50 krispies and fruities, so it wouldn't be TOO fruity (that shit is HELLA fruity!)

BUT BUT BUUUUUT here comes the best part: I like to add a little special green butter* with these - it only takes about 1 tablespoon - and the fruity pebbles COMPLETELY cover the taste of that funky, funky butter.

*by "special green butter" i am of course referring to a homemade herbal infusion of butter and marijuana....recipe to follow?

OMG guys!! MINI PIZZAS are AWESOME!!!

2009-11-18T10:01:00.000-08:00

Dudes! So I was smoking a bowl with my roommate last night, when I got the uncontrollable urge to eat something (very strange and unusual). So I walked into the kitch, went to the cupboard, and suddenly! A bolt of lightening struck just outside the window, followed by the clap of thunder, and it was then that I invented...MINI PIZZAS.

Equip:
~Baking sheet
~Mixing bowl
~Measurin' cups
~cheese grater (don't tell me you don't have one. I got mine at Value Village, and so can you)

Vittles:
~Easy Biscuits (See "Hobo Hot Pockets" - flour, salt, baking soda, futter, milk - I use soy)
~Pizza sauce
~Cheese, please
~Pizza toppins!
~Oregano

OK, So I didn't invent them at all, I just devised a new cheap/easy way to make em!

Anyway, remember the cheesy biscuits? You might remember them better as "Hobo Hot Pockets," but anyway, remember when we made those? This is another delicious variant on those, so to make mini pizzas, just whip up a batch of those biscuits.

NOW, with a lot of flour on your hands, separate small golf-ball sized blobs of dough and knead them a bit, then flatten them out on a baking sheet so they are nice and round and about 1/4 inch thick. You know, like how a disc of uncooked pizza dough looks, only smaller. For that oh-so-authentic taste/texture, you could also sprinkle a little corn meal on your baking sheet so it coats the bottom of the crust. Awwe, yeah!

THEN, you pour some pizza sauce on there. You can really use whatever - the ghetto-est among us might use that leftover can of pasta sauce sitting in the back of the fridge. Others among us (myself) might be a bit more of a sauce-snob, and so would use one of the many cheap, pre-packaged options your grocery has to offer you - they are all pretty good but I like the Boboli brand - I've never been to a store that didn't have it.

OK, then I like to shake on a lil' oregano if you got it, because then it has that nice pizza-herby smell, and the little green flakes make it look fancier.

Then, sprinkle on some shredded cheese of whatever variety you have/like. I used cheddar, because that's all I had, but I suppose ideally you'd want Mozzarella...
However, if you wanna make these babies vegan (the biscuits are vegan if you use margarine and soy milk), just cook them with the sauce and other toppings, and about 2 minutes before you take em out of the oven, sprinkle some nutritional yeast** on top!

Anyway, also this would be the time to put on any other toppings you might have lying around, maybe a tin of sliced black olives, some frozen sliced mushrooms, or a package of pepperoni even!

Once it's all topped, pop those suckers in the oven at 400 degrees, and bake for 12ish minutes (more or less depending on the hotness of your oven...some ovens are shittier than others).

Let them cool before you eat them, they are motherfawkin' HOT!!!

*a word about nutritional yeast: I know you're thinkin it sounds gross, but it's really not. You can get it in the bulk aisle for retardedly cheap! It's a yellow flaky substance that is rich in B-Vitamins and has a cheesy flavour. It is actually pretty good. Don't be afraid.

Quick Curry

2009-11-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

Oh my god you guys, are you ready to get ethnically delicious? Because we are about to make Indian food. Well, we are going to make a really easy pseudo-Indian curry, which can easily be made vegan/vegetarian!

Don't be scared, curry is basically just stew, but it uses coconut milk instead of horrible beef stock. Hurray! Okay, let's go.

Hardware:
~ A large, somewhat deep skillet. I use a wok, because mine is huge and awesome. I also totally bought this beauty at Ross for only...twenty bucks, I think? Deals, girl. Deals.
~ Something to stir with!

Software:
~1 can of coconut milk - or two if you want to make a lot. Probably one of the more expensive ingreeds in this recipe, as it is a whopping $1.70 for a can. Hustle on down to Uwajimaya for a way better deal.
~ A potato. Any kind will do. Obvs I love the sweets, but you know, any old baker or spud lying around. Chop into bite-sized chunks.
~ Veggies! Canned or Frozen are fine, though I recommend FROZEN if you want carrots/peas/brocs/cauli and the like, cuz you can get a bag that has all that shit already in there. Tinned shrooms would be fine, and I like to use tinned bamboo shoots because they are kind of fancy to me.
~Curry powder! Again, not that cheap - we're talking about ten bucks for a small bottle of the spice, but the possibilities are endless - just stay tuned! Also, you can get it in bulk or at an actual Indian mart for probs way cheaper. I like the Spice Islands brand. But whatever.
~Futter (oh how I love it)
~Onion (fresh is the only way in this situation, however either yellow or white onion would be perfectly acceptable.)
~TOFU! (if you have it, it goes nicely with curry - i recommend the Chinese Firm variety for any skillet-cooking)
~ Toppings!! (Anything your taste-buds prefer, but I suggest: Peanuts, raisins, shredded sweetened coconut - stuff you already have in the pantry in case you want to make cookies, right? - sliced scallions (those green onion things) or sliced banana (sounds weird, but it is delightful))

Installing it Onto Your Stomach-Drive:
1. First, chop up some onion. Probably you only need perhaps a quarter of a chopped onion per can of cocomilk. Again, you can increase all these recipes, just stay in proportion.
2. Saute the onion in a big skillet (fry it in a freakin' frying pan) with a hearty pat of futter. Also shake in the curry powder, and do it quite liberally. You can throw in a good few tablespoons and be golden. So, do that up for about ten minutes on medium heat, until the onion JUUUUST begins to carmelize, but it will be soft and should really pick up the smell of the curry powder.
3. Pour (gently) the can of coconut milk into the skillet with the spices and onions. I would suggest vigorously shaking the can before opening it to ensure that all the creamy deliciousness is well mixed, and not stuck to the lid.
4. Throw in the potatoes, and turn the heat up to med-high, until it starts bubbling.
5. Once bubbles form, turn it to medium-low heat and put the lid on. We'll just leave it for about 20 minutes to cook those potatoes, stirring occasionally. (I like to do it this way, because it really infuses the potatoes with the curry deliciousness. If you are in a hurry, you can always precook your potatoes by boiling or nuking them...)

6. After the potatoes have begun to get soft, you can open the lid and throw in the rest of your veggie bounty. All at once. Throw in the tofu too if you got it. It's even ok if it's frozen. Turn up the heat a little bit and allow it to cook until yr veggies are hot.
7. Now it's done! You should have a nice, creamy bright yellow sauce around your freshly cooked veggies and tender potatos. Serve it on rice* and top with your goodies! Everyone's mind is going to be totally blown! It's like you just made a feast!

*If you don't know, and you don't have a rice cooker, you can cook rice by steaming it. It's really easy, just do a ratio of 1 cup rice to 1 1/2 cups water, allow it to come to a boil, and then reduce heat to LOW and cover with a lid. It is important to NOT open the lid to peek during cooking time. If you let out all the steam, you'll never recover. ALSO don't put salt in the water. ALSO, for the love of god people if it say to rinse the rice, do it! If you don't it will be super gluteny and gluey. Ugh. Let it sit for 20 mins on low, steaming, and it should be delightful and fluffy when it's done.
If you put it on the stove when you put the potatoes in the curry, the rice will be ready right on time! Also, it keeps it's heat so it's okay if the rice is done 20 minutes too early, just sayin'....

The Best Cookies Ever

2009-11-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

Get ready for the best, most deliciously easy cookie recipe this side of your mother.
If you are fancy and have a food processor, you are golden. If you are like the rest of us and never thought you needed a food processor until now, it's okay...the machine isn't actually necessary to cookie success. It is also made almost entirely out of cheap crap, though I am kinda fancy, and I have a few fancy ingredients that I like in my cookies....if you have the opportunity to splurge a bit, I would definitely encourage it.

Gear: Standard big mixing bowl and baking sheet. Food processor if you have one, and a measuring cup or two would be really handy at this point.

Ingreeds:
~1.5 c flour
~1/2 c white sugar
~1/2 c well-packed brown sugar (just smash it down until you can't fit any more in the cup measure)
~1 egg
~vanilla/almond extract.
~salt (approx 1/4 tsp)
~baking SODA (orange box this time - approx 1/2 tsp) ***It is utterly essential that you don't forget this step, as the soda is what causes the chemical reaction that makes the cookies rise and expand as they cook. If you miss this step, you will end up with little hard crunchy balls of crap-cookie. Don't do it!***
~1/2 cup (1 whole stick) of futter. (*if using a food processor: cut chilled butter into approx 8 pieces. Otherwise, soften the butter to a partial-melty state)
~chocolate chips, coconut, nuts, or whatever you like in your cookies!!!

Directs:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. In big bowl (or in food processor) Combine sugars, egg, butter, vanilla, salt and baking soda. Blend thoroughly until it is lovely and creamy in texture. ** I usually use almond extract for these cookies, because i just LOVE the taste of almond. It is almost twice as expensive as vanilla extract, so it's kind of a luxury, but imitation vanillas and almonds are available in your supermarket, too. Whatever you want, really, but I say almond extract is the secret ingredient that no one will realize is making their cookies so delicious!**
3. Add flour to creamy mixture, and blend again until it is a homogeneous mixture that is smooth, yet thick and doughy. It will become difficult to stir with a spoon, but I believe in you. Persevere!
4. Add your goodies. My other secret ingredient at this point is sweetened, shredded coconut. Now, you might be thinking, "eeew, no! Coconut? You must be coco-NUTS!" but hear me out: you can hardly taste the coconuttiness, but what it DOES do is impart a long-lasting chewy moistness to your cookies, that will make them delectable for weeks to come. I'd say about 1/2 cup of coconut, and probably another 1/3 or so chips of whatever flavor....you can estimate though, go ahead and add more if you want them.

To BAAAAKE:
~arrange dough in balls approx 1" thick (I use a reg'ler old spoon to measure even blobs. They don't really have to be "balls" either - just roundish blobs. Make sure they have at least 1.5 inches between balls, so they have space to flatten out.
~put them in the oven for 12 minutes.
~Done. delicious. your whole house smells good and you are a hero to all your friends. Congratulations.
**Tip: for soft cookies, allow them to cool on a hard surface, like your (clean) kitchen counter, or on some papertowels or newsprint to soak up the grease. If you want them crunchy, put them on a drying rack.

Go forth, be fruitful and cookie-fy!

Experimental Lentils!

2009-11-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, on today's episode of GhettoLicious, we have my new favourite bulk food, LENTILS!!! Lentils are actually legumes, which means they are kinda like a bean, but also kinda like a pea...and they are cousins with peanuts! Delightful!

Anyway, the other really neat thing about lentils is that they are super leotardedly cheap and they are so easy to cook, you can take a shower while you're doing it. (Or, whatever you need to do...) Also! They are rich in PROTEIN! I know you aren't getting enough protein!

So, buy some lentils. Cheapest and most common are green, so get some of those. If you can, just get them from the bulk aisle of your gro, because they're much cheaper that way and you don't need box directions because you have MY directions.

Shit List:
*(green) Lentils
*spices (try curry, cumin, tumeric, chili powder/flake, black pepper, garlic...)
*water
*a big pot
*a potato or a sweet potato if you like that kind of thing.

All you need to do to cook lentils is put them in a big pot with a lid, and some water.
WAIT, first, put the water in the pot, at about a 1:2 ration of lentils to water. So, let the water heat up, but DO NOT ADD SALT (This is very important, because your lentils will be hella fucked up and hard and shriveled if you add salt, because it interferes with the osmosis process...but this is not a science blog. It is a stoner cooking blog. Onward!)

So, throw in those lentils now, and boil for 2 or 3 minutes. Also toss in some spices if you want, and if you have a potato (i really recommend sweet potato or yam, but you don't need anything, really) chop it up into bite-sized pieces and throw that in after the boiling period.

Then, turn the heat all the way down to low-low-low, and put the lid on.
Abandon them for forty minutes.

Don't peek! The lentils need steam to cook and if you open the pot all the steam will come out and they won't cook right. You don't even need to stir them. Just let them sit there. **

FORTY MINUTES LATER...

Viola! You have a hearty, delicious entree that makes a perfect meal when served with rice or pitas (or tortillas if you wish)

They keep nicely and will make a good lunch for the next week!

**If you want to be even fancier and add some veggies or meat to this, you can pre-cook it or just toss in canned/frozen veggies at about 5-8 minutes until done, which will give them just enough time to heat up.

Better and way easier than pie.

2009-11-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

So, you're sifting through the cupboards looking for something decent to eat, and you notice those three apples, the last of the bag, that have been sitting, shriveling on your counter for a couple of weeks now. They are ugly, maybe a bit soft, but by no means rotting. Instead of feeling guilty about all the produce you're wasting (think of the children in Ethiopia! What is wrong with you!!??!?) you can make a glorious treat that is good for dessert or brekky! (I love it when something can either be dessert or brekky. I think this is what they mean by "breakfast of champions." YESSSS.)
This is a really easy recipe that requires no actual measuring, and can be easily adapted depending on how much fruit you have. Oh yeah, and you don't have to use apples, either...

Okaayy sooo....

Stuff you will need:
~A baking dish. Something in the vicinity of an 8x8 or 9x9, and bigger if you have more fruit, of course. Or like a glass or ceramic pyrex would work, anything that is kinda big-ish and also not too deep - only a couple of inches really.
~ FRUIT! Any kind will do, but stuff that works best is: Peaches, Apples, Blackberries, Blueberries, Nectarines, Strawberries, even rhubarb if you are feeling adventurous - basically you can make this with any berries or butt-shaped fruits, fresh or frozen.
~ Sugar!!! You need the white kind AND the brown kind for this. But brown sugar is delicious, so you should already have some in your cupboard in case you need to make fake maple syrup for your pancakes or something (we'll get to that another time.)
~ Flour - you don't need too much of this
~ OATS! I know you have some of these that have been lying around on the top shelf forever because one roommate bought some thinking she'd be healthy and then wound up only cooking the oatmeal once because oatmeal is actually pretty gross. SO, oats. But if you don't have them, you should just get some from the bulk foods aisle - they're really cheap, and after you make this once, you will want to make it again and again.
~ FAT: Margarine or butter**, at room temp. If you've just grabbed it out of the fridge, you can nuke it for a few seconds, but not to melt - just to soften
~ A little bit of oil or some more futter.

The Alchemy:
1. Turn the oven on to 400 degrees.
2. Grease that pan with a little oil or futter! A light layer will do.
3. Get fruity. Apples you will want to peel, and large fruits need to be cut into dainty bite-sized chunks. Frozen berries ought to be run under the hot faucet in the collander at this point, to thaw them. For the purposes of this recipe, I'm going to assume you have about three to four large handfuls of fruit (using both hands - like, four cups-ish). You can also mix whatever you want - blackberries and blueberries are a nice combo, strawberries probably need to be mixed with something else for proper texture, and dark berries mixed with peach looks hideous, but is delicious.
4. Okay, now, in a large bowl, toss your fruit with about a 1/4 cup of flour (a few shakes from the bag or small handfuls (one handed), and about 1/3 cup of sugar. You may need to adjust this depending on how much fruit you have and how sweet it is, it's okay, just shake in a little more. Once you mix the fruit with the dry ingredients, the fruit should all be lightly coated with flour and sugar. If not, you might need a little bit more. If you put in too much, just let the excess shake down to the bottom of the bowl and toss it.
5. At this point, it is also nice to add some extra fancy-ness to your fruit. Toss in a bit of vanilla flavouring or cinnamon or nutmeg or whatever you fancy.

Now that your fruit is ready, it's time for the best part - the topping!
1. First, you need is a soft stick of futter. Throw this in a bowl, and cover it with equal parts flour and oats, something like 1/2 cup each, but keep them out because you may need to add more.
2. Also add about a 1/3 cup of brown sugar.
3. Now, get in there with your two hands (after you wash them!!! Jesus Cripes, there's a pandemic!) and squish the dry stuff into the butter until it is a homogeneous mixture. It should be fairly crumbly and clumpy, in pieces no larger than a dice. If it isn't crumbly enough, just add another shake of oats and flour, and keep on squishin.

Okay, now it's time to cook that shit!

First, throw the fruit mixture into the greasy pan, and you know, even it out.
Then, crumble the crumbly stuff over the top until it is a nice, thin layer of crumbly-ness covering the fruit, about 1-2cm thick.

Then, throw it in the middle rack of your oven, and let it bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes. You'll know it's done when you peek in the oven and there's little bubbles of fruity goodness penetrating the crusty top layer.

Let it cool before you dig in, because this bitch will burn your tongue! Them fruits is hot.

Anyway, enjoy! Impress your friends! They won't believe you made it from scratch, you fancy cook, you!

*From here on out, I will be referring to this oh-so-essential ingredient as "futter," as I like to use fake butter. But butter and marge are interchangeable for our purposes.

Hobo Hot Pockets!

2009-11-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

Today's delight is a little something I call "Hobo Hot Pockets," but which is also known by the more descriptive "cheesy biscuits." These babies are quick, easy, and you can mix them with your hands, which means they are totally fun to make, too. They make a delicious, easy brekky, suitable for two to four people (depending on how hungry they are...or just double the recipe) and they are portable! Hot DAMN!

Gear:
~ Big old mixing bowl
~ Cheese grater! (You better already have this)
~ Baking sheet
~ Measuring cup

Vittles:
~ 2 cups FLOUR
~ 2 tbsp futter (butter/margarine/crisco/shortening - any of these will do just fine.)
~ 5 tbsp baking POWDER (NOT the stuff in the orange box. You want the stuff in the little white cylinder)
~ 1 tsp salt (or, you know - a few shakes of the salt shaker)
~ 1 cup milk or soy milk. *If you make these with futter and soy milk, they are totally vegan biscuits, too!*

SO...what you do is...
~Preheat oven to 400 degrees
~In a big bowl, mix dry ingredients.
~heat to soften the futter, and add it to the dry ingredients. Also add the milk.
~stir it up until it becomes a uniform mixture. It will become hella sticky and difficult to stir, I usually use a fork because it's good for scraping the bowl, and I've broken too many plastic spatulas stirring this shit. Don't buy plastic spatulas.

Once it's become a thick dough, get out your baking sheet. Then, coat your
(freshly washed and thoroughly dried) hands in some extra flour. This helps you not have hopelessly dough-coated hands. I tell you, it's sticky.

What I like to do is separate the dough into two equal blobs. This will help you portion out equal biscuits.
Take one of your dough-blobs, and separate it further into halves. Each of these sub-halfs (or quarters, if you are keeping track) should be enough for three biscuits. Take small sections of dough about golf-ball sized, and plop them on the baking sheet, carefully flattening the balls into a neat little disc, about as big as your fist.
Arrange six discs on your baking sheet evenly.

NOW comes the fun part. Anything you think would be delicious in a biscuit, you can put in these babies. I pretty much always use cheese, because it is magically delicious, usually cheddar or white cheddar, if I'm lucky...
Other things I suggest for your biscuits is bacon bits (freshly made...like, if you have only a few pieces of bacon left in the package, or maybe a slice leftover from breakfast yesterday) or ham, or even some lovely vegan "ground beef" or seitan. I also think a bit of tomato might be nice, or even some drained frozen spinach and feta if you want to fancy it up.
SO put a small mount of innards into the center of each dough-disc. Keep at least a centimetre of dough at the edge if you can.

NEXT, take the second blob of dough and divide like you did the first, into six even balls. Take these and work them into discs in your (well-floured) hands, then place on top of the innards pile, and seal the two sides of dough around the edge by pinching with your fingers. They won't be terribly beautiful to behold, but the oven will take care of that. As a finishing touch, I like to sprinkle a little bit more cheese with maybe some rosemary or whatever green herb you may have in your kitchen...that is intended for cooking...primarily....and not really for smoking......OKAY!

Then just pop these suckers in the oven for 12-ish minutes. They'll come out delicious with a molten center of white-hot cheese-lava! HElls yeah! Brekky is served, bitches!

Making Something (Delicious) from....Crap.

2009-11-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

I've decided to take things in a new direction, as bitching and complaining about humanity's utter lack of good manners is a little tired, and well, hopeless.

On a more positive note, please enjoy the first installment of a little something I like to call "Stoner Cooking," but you may also call it "Ghetto Cooking," "Hobo Cookin'" or "I-Never-Go-Grocery-Shopping Cooking," or whatever makes you most comfortable. The scope of these posts will be to provide easy, quick recipes composed of cheap crap and leftovers you already have in your kitchen*, for those nights when you are too broke or tired or stoned to actually go out and buy something to eat.

Tonight's Menu: Macaroni Surprise!

Equipment: Medium-sized pot to boil pasta, collander
Ingredients:
~One box of macaroni, plus fixin's for the sauce. If you don't have milk, just add a little extra butter. If you don't have butter, just add a little extra milk. I use margarine, because it's about 1/4 the price of butter. Yay.
~Canned or frozen small veggies of your preference - I like peas and corn, because they are small and taste delicious, and are usable in both canned and frozen form. Some veggie medley might work nicely too, and a bag of frozen peas is really cheap - and when you get in a fight, you can use it to ice your shiner!
~Cheese!!! This is another thing I think you should always have in the fridge. I know it's not cheap, but it's really the only expensive thing you need. With cheese, the sky's the limit!
~Chicken Nuggets! I know you have a few chicken fingers or nuggets or maybe even a veggie burger in the back of the freezer....I use veggie nuggets (I call it "ficken nuggets") because I am fancy.

Directions:
1. Make the macaroni as you would normally make macaroni. MEANWHILE, throw your handful of nuggets (like, 5 or so would be fine, whatever is left) or patties into the oven or microwave to defrost/heat them.
2. While the mac is cooking, put the colander in the sink and toss in a handful of veggies. You really only need about 1/2 cup total of veggies, canned or frozen - you don't want them to dominate your delicious cheesy pasta. Rinse them veggies in the collander with warm water if they are frozen (you DO NOT want to put frozen peas into hot pasta. Ew.) Save the leftover canned stuff in a jar (re-use old salsa jars, the are the best.) to use for another stoner meal later this week. We'll get there.
3. Drain mac straight into the veggies in the colander. Now everything's warm and nice. Once it's drained, throw the whole mess back into your pot, and add the cheese sauce and stir it up.
4. Grab those hot meat products now, and chop 'em up into bite-sized pieces. Throw 'em in the pot and stir them in too.
5. As a finishing touch, I like to add a few handfuls of grated cheese into the mix and stir it up for extra cheesy-protein-licious-ness. Then sprinkle a little on top to make it look fancy.
6. Enjoy! Impress your friends. Serves 3 or 4, easily. (The more extra crap you add to stretch the macaroni, the more you can feed, obvs.)

Also keeps nicely to bring to school/work for lunch tomorrow! YuM!

*Disclaimer: I believe that one should always have some very basic baking ingredients in the house: baking powder, flour, and sugar are a good place to start, and also, they are cheap, and they last a long time. Just get some now and it will save us a lot of grief later.
**I am also assuming you live somewhere that there is a kitchen - ie, a fridge, sink, stove, and oven. Ok? Good.

HELLevator

2009-10-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

It's time for MORE in a long list of things I hate about the elevator.
The delightful elevators in my office building are a unique sort of square-ish, six-sided shape. It's mostly a square, but then, there are these extra walls...

Nevermind, it's not important.

What is important is that people are leotarded and don't know how to use the elevator.

Example!
This morning, I am the last of four people to hop in the elevator, and it is my lucky life that I work on the top stop for my particular set of elevators. No matter what, I must wait, because I'm always the last person to get off. (Story of my life, right? Ha, ha!)
Yeahhh...aanyway. So, I get in there, and there's a dude taking up the right wall, another dude bogarting the left wall, and some girl in really awful sandal-boots (in this weather? C'mon, bitch, those aren't even cute. No excuse.) is monopolizing the entire back wall (a lovely concave structure consisting of three smaller walls.)
So, I get in, and I have to stand at the front of the elevator, awkwardly standing in front of my 'companions,' with my nose to the door. Which is a weird situation to begin with, but becomes infinitely more awkward as the elevator approaches the first destination. I start to panic. Which one of these assholes behind me is about to hop out? Which side should I be prepared to lean to? What if I lean right, and the right-wall guy is all "exCUSE me" - ugh! I'm like, come on! guy! If you were gonna be the first to leave, why did you make me stand there?

I Smell A Smell....

2009-10-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's a smelly smell, and it smells....smelly. *

Ladies and Gents, it is time once again for me to bitch about all the rude things you do that I really hate. Today's subject is all about...you guessed it! SMELLS!

In particular I am talking about perfume and cologne smells. Let's face it - these stinkifiers are irritating to lots of people - babies, people with allergies, the elderly (who are generally always irritated, but I digress) - so who told these people it was okay to put so much on!?

Are these people anosmic?
Are the fumes causing them to loose cognitive function to the point of overzealous perfume application?
Do they really think it smells good?

Personally, and I might be a bit stingy on this one, I don't want to be able to smell your perfume or cologne or whatever else unless I'm right up in your personal bubble. Like, we're hugging. At that point I could remark, "Ah, you smell so good!" and it would be nice.

But all too often, people are thoroughly dousing themselves every morning. While I understand the need for proper hygiene, and the desire to avoid embarrassing odors, don't you think there comes a point where the line must be drawn? I appreciate the concept of "covering" an odor, but I appreciate more the concept of "deodorant."

What really freaks me out is the sheer regularity with which I pass an individual all spiffed out in their Tuesday best, and as they pass they leave behind a trail of pungent stinkis. Ugh.

However the ultimate smell torture of working in an office building is that bastion of claustrophobia, the elevator.
Ahh, yes.
Here we all are, cozy in this elevator. Wow, I'm amazed that eleven of us actually fit in here!

But then...the horror starts to set in. The smell seeps, slowly at first, gaining speed as it fills the small column of stale air with it's wretched stench. My eyes begin to water, my throat feels dry and hoarse, I long to cough....
...I long to hose down the stupid bitch who's trying to suffocate us all.

"You folks don't mind if I light up in this here elevator, do you? It's just....the smell....*cough, cough* ...it would really help me breathe easier...."

*quote culled from a random, beloved-by-me episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.

More about Rain

2009-10-26T10:14:00.001-07:00

I am thinking a lot about rain today, mainly because it's raining. Hard. So hard I tried to convince the boyfriend to take my extra umbrella (a perky, green little number) - naturally, he refused.

I also got to wear my rubber rain boots for the first time...since this summer. I bought these adorable rainboots last year - tall, plain black, cute little buckle detail, and only $30 at Urban Outfitters.....sadly, after a few weeks of wear, a handy little split appeared in the side - right at the seam between rubber sole and rubber upper. Balls. Happily, thanks to Shoe Goo (and no thanks to UO's shoddy product) my feet are dry. Hallelujah. Or however you spell that.

Another etiquette issue about the rain that I feel should be addressed is the rainy day drivers. I mean, I understand you. If'n I even owned a car, I would probably be pretty convinced to take it on a day like today. What I would not do is swerve into puddles just to splash the sad, wet rats who have to walk to work (like me! like me!) who don't have cars. So, fuck you, Splash-Monger! May you spin out of control and total your car.
While we're on the subject, I'd like to address another concern, which is that of the Impatient Rain Driver. You huff and you puff as I trudge across the street, or you don't wait at all, speeding through the intersection as I stand, dejected and cold. I mean, really! I'm outside! I'm wet, I'm cold, and I am slow - because I am walking, not driving. You are fast, you are comfortable, you are DRY! So, fuuuuuuuuck you too!

On another wet-weather note though, I did find fabulous patterned umbrellas at Daiso (in Westlake - it is a Japanese dollar store, so if you haven't ever been there, you need to go right now) for only $1.50! I bought a whole fucking bouquet.

Dear Seattle, Let's talk about rain.

2009-10-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

To start with, let me give full disclosure and tell you I work downtown in an office builidng, which is possible the worst place in Seattle for douchey business-people who think they own the sidewalk, which really gets my goat.

Aaaanyway, business douchebags, I thought we might want to talk about the weather today, since, you know, that's what everyone does anyway. Especially when it's raining, like right now. Boy, is it raining! It rained all night! It's still raining! It's damp! Yeah, I know. And even though we're not the rainiest city in the Estados Unidos, everyone who lives here pretends it is. Which makes this rain hullabaloo even weirder. What kind of city renowned for it's moistness is full of idiots who act like they've never seen rain before? Like you, Mr. Golf-Umbrella-Guy. Is that really the only umbrella you own? That one with the two-metre diameter? I really feel like such an umbrella is inappropriate for a lone ranger on a crowded sidewalk, unless of course he is escorting a lady or a child or maybe a rolly-backpack. But still dude, you drive a Beemer, buy a damn personal umbrella at Bartell's.

Worse than that though are the Awning-Walkers. Hi, Ladies. I notice you each have your own fashionable, personal umbrella. That's nice. How cute. However, I thought it odd that you should choose to walk beneath the awning provided by these lovely office builidngs....did you forget you had an umbrella? You know, that cute little thing you're carrying around, that keeps the rain off you? Which is what it is made for? Why are you walking under the awning? With your umbrella up? Are you made of sugar? Otherwise, Ladies, let me say this: Get the fuck out from under the awning!!!! What really blows my goat is when people walk by with their umbrellas under the awning, and then force umbrella-less me out under the edge of the awning, where the drips collect in pools to be extra-juicy when they finally fall onto your glasses or the precious lit end of your soggy cigarette.

When the awning-walkers and the golf-umbrellars mate, however, is when things get their ugliest. Do not hesitate to give a quick shank in the side to anyone violating both of these rules simultaneously.

Etiquette for Riding the Bus

2009-10-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Fuck riding the bus. It sucks, but everyone has to do it now and again, especially if you're like me and you're poor, car-less (very different from careless, which I'll get to in a moment), living in the city, or all of the above.
Anyway, we all hate riding the bus. It smells bad, it's usually too crowded, and it's slow-slow-slow. I could walk home in the amount of time it takes a bus to bring me there, but sometimes I'm just too lazy. Riding the bus is a uniquely horrid experience in bringing strangers together - lots of strangers in a hurry, tired, grumpy, what have you - just wanting the bus to bring them home as soon as possible. No one actually wants to be there. Bearing such things in mind, there are a few things that we can all do to make this a slightly less torturous ordeal. Please allow me to explain a series of the more important aspects of bus etiquette, using archetypal examples culled from my many years of bus riding experience.

1. Special Seat Guy
Yeah, hi there, fatty. You, the guy who's sitting comfortably in a seat all to his onesie? Try if you can to become aware of your surroundings. If there is anyone (yes, even that gutter punk) standing, then what the fuck business do you have, enjoying that bench all to yourself? Pick up your fucking backpack off the seat next to you, and slide your fat butt over toward the window, so the tired lady clinging to the bus pole has a place to sit too.

2. Bus Pimp
Why, yes! Not only would I love to "hang out" with you "sometime," but I also really enjoy being hit on to the point of sexual harassment when I'm trapped on a moving vehicle, so, good eye.

3. Speed Demon
We're not all just standing in this specific spot on the sidewalk because it's awesome to watch all the cars go by. No, lady, we're all actually waiting to get on - believe it or not - the same bus as you! So, like, where the fuck is your sense of entitlement coming from that you think you've got permanent firsties? Jeebus, lady! It's really not a race, we're all gonna get on that bus through the same tiny door, and well, if there isn't a seat for you today, it isn't your lucky day. But damned if I'll let your bitch-ass cut me off in the bus line again!

Bus people, you suck. Try and get some manners before you ride my bus again.